I don’t know much, but I do know that for about a decade I followed the credo, “If you feel called to do it, freaking do it.” And this was after a previous 5-10 years of following the advice from Field of Dreams, “If you build it, they will come.”

But I didn’t know what I was building, and I didn’t know who was coming. I did, however, feast on a drive that didn’t quit, and ran on adrenaline and an insatiable hunger to prove and achieve.

I proved, I achieved. And then I almost not knowingly allowed what I had built to crumble, not necessarily intentionally, but more from an inability and lack of desire to keep doing things the way they had been done.

Anyway, the thing about vision is that you’re the only one who sees it. Sees what? What is the “it”–it’s hard to say exactly. For me it looks like glimpses and inner knowings. Sometimes dreams and sometimes almost out-of-body experiences that feel like I’m catching a blurry glimpse of the future. 

And this can make you feel INSANE. Or as I’m told the kids are saying these days, “delulu” or delusional. Because when you can see some great, beautiful vision of what COULD be, and the result of something you do to move towards that vision–DOES NOT yield a result that indicates you’re on the right path, it’s very very hard NOT to feel like you’re taking crazy pills.

To put it more concretely, if your vision includes you, let’s say being a best-selling author, and then you actually write a book and no one wants to publish it, it would be easy to believe that your vision was incorrect. Because the result (no one wanting to buy / read your book) does not validate your vision.

But vision IS the ability to see, to see something others might not. And it is the ability to believe that you can see something and it can be true, even if your present circumstances make that vision seem delusional.

BUT WHAT IF YOU CAN’T SEE ANYTHING. Or what if you hear, “If you feel called to do it, freaking do it!” and think, “I don’t feel called.”

Well, I would officially like to apologize for past Alison, who truly had no idea what that felt like. Until now. 

See, a long time ago, I made a deal with Goddess, or God, depending on my mood, that I would work and share my talents and I would show up, but also I told God that they had to give me the tools and knowledge I need to do the work. AND I needed them to fix the parts of me that needed fixing or refining so I would, “do no harm.”

Well, BE WARNED, because it turns out that if you make a deal like this, you WILL get what you ask for. (Woof! I’m trying to swallow that jagged little pill because in so many ways it doesn’t feel like I’m getting what I asked for!)

All that to say, I now know what it feels like to NOT KNOW what you’re called to do. It’s both good and horrible. Good because less stomach grinding pressure, and horrible because of the existential dread. I do, however think the gained empathy will do me good in the long run. BOO! 

And I don’t have any answers for you, other than, there’s most likely a secret tiny part of you that knows an itty bitty bit of what you’re “called” or I believe able to create. A part of you that feels delusional and nuts and like an imposter and blah blah blah, but it’s a part of you that loves to shrivel and die when things aren’t looking too hot.

So while I don’t know what the calling is EXACTLY for me, right now, if I’m very honest with myself, I DO know a skill that is needed. And one skill that my divine expansion within myself requires is writing and communication. Both with myself, with the Divine, and with YOU. 

Crap now I’m crying. And I know there is a certain type of crying (for me) that indicates something is hitting a core truth. And it’s that type of cry–so I’m gonna trust it. 

OK so the takeaways–

• You’re not crazy. You’re crazy hot!
• Your vision isn’t supposed to be seen or known by others, they can’t validate or know it, only YOU can
• When you don’t know what you “feel called to do” give yourself so much compassion and grace and try seeing if a tiny, injured, hidden part of you maybe knows a lil’ something it has not felt safe to know
• Based on that tiny itty bitty maybe knowing, ask yourself what skills are required of you?
• And then show up and work on the needed skills

Why is it so easy for me to believe this is true for YOU? I want to pump you up and tell you how true I know this is for YOU–so apparently I need to hear it. So I’ll say I’m working on knowing it’s true for me. And I’m sending all the love to you as we both stay delulu until it becomes trululu. 

Xoxo

Alison

The mom of a middle-schooler so now I know cool words!