When it comes to doing hard things there are two situations you can be in. You either have something difficult happening to you, and you’re forced to figure out how to manage, or you create difficult situations for yourself and then see how you respond.
In my case, I feel like most of my life is me creating difficult situations for myself. And then when I’m deep, deep DEEEEEP in the difficult situation, or project, or whatever it is I have decided to do I go, “Why? Why OH WHY AM I DOING THIS?”
I don’t know why I keep putting myself in difficult situations.
Is it because nothing particularly hard was going on externally so I felt the need to create it? To right some cosmic imbalance? Like I feel guilty others are suffering so I feel the need to figure out a way to suffer too? I do feel guilty that others are suffering in so many ways I am not. But I tend to feel like that just means I have added responsibility to try to help ease suffering in any way I can. And I don’t think I started out thinking the difficult situation would lead to suffering. So no. Not that.
So do I try to do hard things because it gets me attention? I’m always worried it seems like I’m doing things for attention. But here’s the thing. I don’t actually like attention all that much. Or NEED it ALL that much. I like recognition. I like it a lot. I need that. But I don’t like unsolicited attention. So I don’t think it’s because it gets me attention. I don’t need any help in that area frankly. Just being myself seems to make a scene.
Maybe it’s because I like to bite off more than I can chew, because I don’t really believe I CAN’T chew it. Maybe I just have a HUGE ego. I guess I don’t think there’s anything I can’t do, that I REALLY want to do. Because so far anything that I’ve REALLY REALLY wanted to do, I’ve done. Then again I would have really really liked to be a pop star, but knew I just didn’t have the musical talent for that. So I guess I tend to only really really want things that I feel like are reasonable for me to want. And that’s why I succeed.
Then again, what is reasonable?
Does everybody feel the insatiable need to be more and more and more and create more and more and more? I guess that’s the consumer in me. More more more more. Even though I truly am content, content, content.
How can we be content, but also want to be doing more? To be more?
I am grateful for who I am. I am grateful for the hard things I’ve done. I am grateful for the hard things I will do. I am grateful that I have the ability and choice to create them and do them. I am grateful for hardships I have control over. I am grateful for hardships where I only have control over my attitude.
I am grateful.
I am great.
I can do hard things.
I am doing hard things.
It’s really hard for that not to sound dirty.