Yes I’m quoting Jewel. I don’t even feel stupid about it!
I have been thinking about a few things in my pathetic condition the last few days. And I hope it’s ok if I get sentimental and share them with you. Remember, I’m mostly likely having a baby tomorrow and my hormones are on overdrive.
Wasn’t Monday a horrible day? It was SO weird, bombings at marathons? A little girl went missing (but was thankfully found) in our community.
And this obviously PALES in comparison, but it did contribute to me having kind of an awful seeming day, but I had a 2.5 hour appointment with the midwives with so many ups and downs I finally broke down and started hyperventilating/ hysterically crying and literally couldn’t stop…in front of 3 or 4 people. And even though I know it’s “ok” and “they understand” it’s emotionally and mentally exhausting to have to be that vulnerable in front of strangers. Not to mention you feel like AN IDIOT.
But my husband was there cracking jokes and trying to help me get comfortable. And my sister was sending me encouraging text messages, and my brother missed his college class so he could watch Gigi for us. My neighbor Meg brought me a HUGE Diet Dr. Pepper and donuts earlier in the day. She didn’t ask a bunch of probing questions, she just dropped off the goodies and left. True friends know that’s what I really want!
And that’s just the physical support I received. On Instagram people leave me encouraging and sweet comments. And my love language is TOTALLY words of affirmation so it does mean a lot to me. On my blog you guys take the time to reach out, wish me well, offer suggestions. I’m always humbled and thrilled when you care enough to share. (Even if don’t always have time MEANING I’m not in the metal state…to respond).
So on Tuesday night, after scratching and sobbing and scratching some more, I had to force myself to take a moment and focus on all the kindness and love I’ve been shown, not just by my family and loved ones, but by complete strangers.
At Alt. Summit in January Stefan Sagmeister, who is a designer making a film about happiness and is the creator of The Happy Show (not to mention sexy as all hell) was a keynote speaker. He mentioned that as people we are engineered to focus on the negative. That’s why 10 people could approach you at a party and say, “You look fantastic!” And one person could make a snide remark about your dress, and that snide comment will be the only thing you can think about or focus on.
We’re drawn to negative headlines and to pointing out the flaws in things and in people, before we see the good.
It’s the reason why even though I literally receive DOZENS of nice compliments a day, on my online work, or from loved ones, but still, every time I get a message notification for my blog, there’s a split-second of worry that it’s somebody who has something mean to say. In my 5+ years of online life I’ve probably gotten 10-15 really rude comments. 10! Out of the hundreds and hundreds of nice emails and comments and “likes” and “hearts” and Facebook interactions Instagram comments…and all that jazz. I mean, come on people. That’s an insanely small percentage. And yet I’ve allowed that tiny percent to govern some of my feelings.
And I think the WORST part about that is, by fixating on the negative it’s like I’m not acknowledging the people who are going out of their way to show me love and encouragement. Unintentionally of course, I’m discounting what they are saying and choosing to listen to the bad, or focus on what is bringing me down. BAD ALISON!
And so I return back to Jewel. Over the past week or so, and as I said it’s been kind of a rough one booth personally and in the world, that lyric, “In the end, only kindness matters.” Keeps running through my head.
So, I just want to say thank you. Thank for every nice thing you’ve said, thought, or even shared with others. Thank you especially for the love you show me, but also just the love you show in general. I want to allow love and goodness into my heart and let it change and uplift me EVERY time I encounter it. And I think showing gratitude for that kindness and love helps me do that. So I’m going to say it a few more times, THANKS, thanks a million, bless your heart.
Please consider this a love letter. I am humbled and grateful, and buoyed up so much by the kindness and love I see in my physical and online community. Thank you, thank you.
Even though there are terrible things in the world, even though there is so much pain and heartache, I have to focus on the sugar doodles that were dropped off on my porch, or the nursing scarf an online friend made for me and just dropped in the mail, or the generous jobs or sponsorships I’ve been offered when money has been tight, or life just isn’t worth living.
I apologize for complaining, even though I think it’s ok that we share our “real” feelings, I just hope there is enough positivity and happiness generating from me to outweigh the whining. Especially during my pregnancy!
I’m incredibly anxious about bringing another tiny life into the world. (Not to mention all of the delivery memories that have come flooding back!) But I just have to keep looking at Gigi and remembering the uncontrollable amount of joy she brings into our lives. The light that radiates from her sassy little body—and that I’ll mostly likely be as crazy about this kid as I am about her. She has made me a more patient and understanding person, and if, “only kindness matters,” well, she’s already done more for me than I can ever do for her.
I hope you have a fabulous week. I hope I have a baby by the end of it! I hope you can choose to see the love, even though I KNOW it can be hard. It makes things so much better.
I love you all.
Thank you again.