She’s no [Pregnant] Gwyneth pt. 4

It’s been a while since I continued my Gwyneth series. Or more accurately my list of:

THINGS THAT I DO THAT I’M 95% SURE GWYNETH PALTROW DOESN’T DO

It has been so long in fact, that I have yet to point out the differences Gwyneth and I probably have as pregnant women. Now I have no idea if her fabulousness is currently with child, I just know she has children, so the odds are good that she has been pregnant in the past. Plus I found this picture:


(Which is incidentally A LOT what I look like…ok, not really.)

If the title of my list isn’t self-explanatory enough, I will direct you to:

Part 1 of reasons “She’s No Gwyneth”

Part 2 of reasons “She’s No Gwyneth”
&

Part 3 of reasons “She’s No Gwyneth”

Good. Now that you’re all caught up, we can continue with the fourth installment, or part four, which I have titled:

THINGS THAT I DO THAT I’M 95% SURE GWYNETH PALTROW DOESN’T DO WHILE PREGNANT:

(and though this list is a tad different, I’ll continue with the numbering of the previous lists, which brings us to…)

#18. Find traces of Butterfinger smashed against her chest when she takes off her bra. (I don’t make this crap up.) Yeah that’s right, nobody better lay a finger on THAT Butterfinger.

#19. Park in the visitors parking at work (for the past three months) and when people say, “Hey, you’re not a visitor!” point at her stomach with two thumbs and say, “I’m not, but this girl is!”

#20. Consider hanging 10lb bird cages directly above her infants head…see previous post…

#21. Eat SpaghettiOs for dinner. Ok, ok, eat an ENTIRE can of SpaghettiOs for dinner. O’ the shame!

#22. Sing, “My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump” while rubbing her pregnant belly and dancing for her husband. (I know, if Chris Martin read that one he’d be insanely JEALOUS)

#23. Consider scooting her chair to the water cooler instead of standing up to walk the 15 feet, but decide against it, only because she’s not confident she can maneuver around the corner.

#24. Constantly ask her husband if he’s sure he has enough attention for both her and the baby.

and one more thing I’m 95% sure Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t do while pregnant:

#25. Tell people who are less pregnant than her, that her baby could probably eat their baby.

ALL RIGHT!

That is all for Part 4 of She’s No Gwyneth! Please feel free to share your own not Gwyneth moments, pregnant or not, because let’s face it, only Gwyneth can be Gwyneth. And that’s ok.

I love you all!!

xox

Alison

16 Comments

  1. AaReAn

    OMG you are so funny Aly! I am literally laughing as I type. My favorite of this list was the visitor parking…I do the same thing! LOL. oh gosh. so funny.

  2. Erin Dougal

    Oh my gosh. You are hilarious.

  3. Breanne King

    i'm sure gwneth buys pants that fit her in her pregnant state. I'm positive she wouldn't just go about her life every day with her pants unbuttoned…i bought my first pair of maternity jeans finally but they're still in the mail.

  4. Liz

    Reading this actually made me excited to be pregnant. (I'm NOT currently pregnant… still warming up to the idea…) You make being pregnant sound hilarious. I can't wait to find random crumbs inside my bra.

  5. Michelle

    Ali I am so proud to call you family you make me laugh out loud I love it!!! yes our chickens do need a play date btw.

  6. Shalee

    AMAZING!!!!

  7. Holley

    hahaha, oh you are so good. 🙂

  8. diana palmer

    that was a good one.

  9. Raimo and Jessica Laitinen

    Gwyneth looks like she has a little cantaloupe falling out of her shirt. nobody but gwyneth would have cantaloupe-sized pregnancies!

    …I'm so excited for you and Eric!

  10. jenny

    <3 your blog. <3 you.

  11. mickell

    You're basically my hero.

  12. Julie and Kyle

    hey i need your address… i have a baby gift for you that you will LOVE. email me… julieyardley@yahoo.com

  13. Brittmae

    I have some pregger additions as well:

    I'm pretty sure Chris Martin has never found his hungry 30-week pregnant wife half-naked, in bed, at midnight, with a bag of beef jerky clutched in her hands.

    Gwyneth would also likely…

    not wear her husband's basketball shorts from high school…with her husband's t-shirt..when her husband stands at 6'6'' and 300 lbs.

    not erupt into tears in a frozen yogurt shop because they did not have watermelon sorbet.

  14. tove

    First time commenter but I have been reading for a while and I thought you might like this: http://www.brandsonsale.com/lady-gaga-halloween-costumes.html
    Haha. Hope you and baby are doing well 🙂

  15. Steph

    I'm sure Gweneth would not eat almost the entire box of Entenmann's glazed buttermilk donuts before she even got home from the grocery store. (250 calories in 1 donut) And would also not hide them in the closet so she's the only one who gets to eat them (not sharing with her 3 sons and husband). AHHHH the days of pregnancy…

  16. Marilyn Faulkner

    This piece is one of my faves. Atta girl.

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