A Word About Cats.

Disclaimer: If you are a cat person and would still like to respect me as a human and be my friend…then you probably shouldn’t read this post. But just remember, even if I don’t love your cat, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

Cats and I have never, ever gotten along. We just don’t understand one another. I don’t like how they don’t really want you around, except to feed them, I don’t like how they make my eyes itch and tear up, and I especially don’t like their snotty little attitude. They don’t walk, they prance, they don’t eat, they nibble, and they certainly don’t love you, they’re just using you to clean up their poop.

This doesn’t mean I go around kicking stray cats or drowning kittens, I have a heart people! It does mean, however, that if you want to try to convince me why your cat is an exception and “not like other cats” (as all cat owners say)…well I don’t want to hear it. There’s a reason why things are called an “EXCEPTION,” and no matter how special you think your cat is, odds are, they probably aren’t one.

So back to cats. The other thing I really don’t like about them is that their owners let them wander around willy-nilly. (Yes Lea, I know Mike stays inside and I SINCERELY THANK YOU!) Anyway, I’d NEVER let my (hypothetical) dog wander through your yard and poop on your tulips. But people with cats let those things go wherever they please! Strutting around like sultans. Many mornings I see cat prints all over my car! The nerve.

Our next-door neighbors, though sweet as can be, happen to be cat people. And the problem with cat people, other than the fact they have been infected with cat saliva and have been chemically seduced by their felines, is that their cats attract OTHER cats. And those cats attract MORE cats, then before your know it, you feel like you’re living next door to Mr. Mistoffelees and his posse.

And if you think it’s not affecting my life. Well, you’re wrong! EXAMPLE: Eric left his hiking boots out on the porch. I was appreciative of this because who wants those muddy things in the house? One cold winter morning I pulled into the driveway after returning from the gym. I saw a cat perched on one of Eric’s boots. “What is that cat up to!?” I wondered. I decided to stay in the car and watch. After a few seconds the cat left, and when he hopped off the boot a little stream of steam wafted into the cold air.

That disgusting beast had peed in his shoe! Which means it had been peeing in his shoe for who knows how long!

Anyway, recently I’ve declared war on the cats because after gardening on Saturday, momentarily without gloves, (I FORGOT!! OK) I was POSTITIVE that I somehow contracted toxoplasmosis and that I had inadvertently caused my baby brain damage or worse. I became obsessed with this, just SURE that the place where I had planted all those pansies is the place where those evil cats might pee, and even though I washed my hands before eating that orange, it could have gotten under my fingernails!

Anyway. I then became convinced that the reason I’ve always disliked cats is because somehow subconsciously I knew that they were going to endanger my baby. And then I was positive that I shouldn’t be allowed to be a mother because I can’t even remember to wear gardening gloves. I like the feel of dirt!

However, after a hysterical break down, Eric did some research, we spoke to my midwife, and have concluded that a) that the cats would have to POOP there b) they don’t poop there, they poop by the back window c) the statistical odds that I don’t already have toxoplasmosis, plus the odds that I contracted it, plus the odds it would actually reach my baby, are well, quite quite slim.

BUT REGARDLESS. The mental anguish it has caused me has been horrendous. Enough so that Eric is now fed up with those cats, and he hates them as much as I do.

Which brings me to the BB Gun. Eric might have accidently picked one up last night and is positively giddy about it. Don’t worry, he promises not to shoot to kill or even shoot to maim, but just to scare. And even though I dislike cats A LOT, and they have possibly hurt my unborn child, I still don’t totally support it.

But at the same time. I’m not going to stop it.

So take that pussy cat.

I told you, you shouldn’t have read this if you love cats. Don’t judge me. I’m just one pregnant woman trying to make her way in this world.




  1. the fowlers

    wait . . . garfield? is that the cat next door? james always does a "garfield call" like the neighbors used to do. "garrrrrfieeeeld. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaarfieeeld."

  2. AaReAn

    i think more of you as a person for this post. b/c I hate cats equally…um if not more!

  3. Mary

    THANK YOU ALISON! I hate cats too. The basement apartment where we live USED to be crawling with stray cats. Our upstairs landlady would feed them, so they kept coming back and multiplying. She would come out every night around 11pm or midnight and do a high pitched "mew mew mew mew mew…mew mew mew mew mew!" to call the cats to come eat. So one night I happened to go outside right after one such feeding and was appalled to count 17 cats/kittens SEVENTEEN!!! I was disgusted, because she feeds them at the top of our steps. And there's no bowl just tons of piles of cat food. So I was fed up, and told my friend the dog-catcher who knocked on their door soon a few days later. After that there haven't been as many cats…there are still like 6 though. I would call animal control. But Klint worries about toxoplasmosis too because our walkway is like a giant kitty litter box! Nasty cats!

  4. Tim

    doesn't Eric already have an XDM .40? makes the BB gun look a little silly right?

  5. Whitney


  6. Chris Almond

    I LOVE CATS!!!

  7. Kristin

    You're a bad, bad lady. But more importantly, you are a pregnant bad lady! CONGRATULATIONS ALISON HOORAY FOR YOU! Seriously, so excited for you!

  8. We Are Three

    I'm forever going to regret mentioning that you shouldn't have been gardening without your gloves on. Forever going to regret.

  9. Erin Dougal

    Ok, so I'm a blog stalker… So what? I actually just found yours like a week ago. But, just so you know, we'd really appreciate you shooting those cats. We won't tell anyone. We're just as tired of the cat paw prints all over our car.

  10. Liz

    I hate cats. My husband wants one, because he grew up with them. I told him we could under the following conditions:

    1) that the cat is never in the same room as me, as it is likely to scratch me or do something else evil.

    2)that I get to have a maid come twice a week to help keep the house clean due to all the nasty shedding and cat hair.

    3) that I get the carpets cleaned every 2 months to deal with the anavoidable odor of cat pee in our home

    4) that if the cat ruins any of our furniture, i will get to replace it with whatever I chose from crate and barrel.

    Needless to say, that ended the convo.

    I love my little yorkie puppy, Zoey. She is the best pet on earth.

  11. Jennifer

    I always love your posts, but this one was especially hilarious! I grew up with cats…but never grew to love them! Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! You are going to be such a fun mom!

  12. Alison

    I LA LA LA LOVE each and every one of these comments.

    Brady, Garfield = Mr.Mistoffelees, he gets them all riled up

    Erin, HEY GIRL!

    Liz, hold strong


    Chris you love cats because you are one. You cat-like man.

  13. France is

    i hate cats. i think it began after my dad drop kicked a siamese cat out our front door that had just come into the house. also im terribly allergic. also, they are snoots. and they stink. and they yowl. i deal with enough humans that resemble cats to go looking for feline company. amen.

  14. Matt Porter

    Holy crap you are so funny. It's crazy how your mommy instincts are so strong even at this point, huh? P.S. I hate cats too. We are putting a sand box in our backyard and everyone keeps telling us we shouldn't because cats will use it as a litter box. UM WE DON'T OWN ANY CATS and everyone else's cats shouldn't be in our yard anyways!!!

  15. Matt and Jennae Porter

    Oops I was signed in as Matt! That last comment was from Jennae 🙂

  16. Staci

    I love you more with each post. Cats are icky and filled with evil plots. Like peeing in husbands boots and pooping on my front porch fortnightly. Shoot away. Well, just to scare of course.

  17. Lauren

    Hey it's lauren. I read your blog and love it especially when I'm at work and so bored. That cat thing, pretty funny! I couldn't stand the cats when Chad lived there. Blah! I want to see you "cats" soon.

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