Disclaimer: If you are a cat person and would still like to respect me as a human and be my friend…then you probably shouldn’t read this post. But just remember, even if I don’t love your cat, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
Cats and I have never, ever gotten along. We just don’t understand one another. I don’t like how they don’t really want you around, except to feed them, I don’t like how they make my eyes itch and tear up, and I especially don’t like their snotty little attitude. They don’t walk, they prance, they don’t eat, they nibble, and they certainly don’t love you, they’re just using you to clean up their poop.
This doesn’t mean I go around kicking stray cats or drowning kittens, I have a heart people! It does mean, however, that if you want to try to convince me why your cat is an exception and “not like other cats” (as all cat owners say)…well I don’t want to hear it. There’s a reason why things are called an “EXCEPTION,” and no matter how special you think your cat is, odds are, they probably aren’t one.
So back to cats. The other thing I really don’t like about them is that their owners let them wander around willy-nilly. (Yes Lea, I know Mike stays inside and I SINCERELY THANK YOU!) Anyway, I’d NEVER let my (hypothetical) dog wander through your yard and poop on your tulips. But people with cats let those things go wherever they please! Strutting around like sultans. Many mornings I see cat prints all over my car! The nerve.
Our next-door neighbors, though sweet as can be, happen to be cat people. And the problem with cat people, other than the fact they have been infected with cat saliva and have been chemically seduced by their felines, is that their cats attract OTHER cats. And those cats attract MORE cats, then before your know it, you feel like you’re living next door to Mr. Mistoffelees and his posse.
And if you think it’s not affecting my life. Well, you’re wrong! EXAMPLE: Eric left his hiking boots out on the porch. I was appreciative of this because who wants those muddy things in the house? One cold winter morning I pulled into the driveway after returning from the gym. I saw a cat perched on one of Eric’s boots. “What is that cat up to!?” I wondered. I decided to stay in the car and watch. After a few seconds the cat left, and when he hopped off the boot a little stream of steam wafted into the cold air.
That disgusting beast had peed in his shoe! Which means it had been peeing in his shoe for who knows how long!
Anyway, recently I’ve declared war on the cats because after gardening on Saturday, momentarily without gloves, (I FORGOT!! OK) I was POSTITIVE that I somehow contracted toxoplasmosis and that I had inadvertently caused my baby brain damage or worse. I became obsessed with this, just SURE that the place where I had planted all those pansies is the place where those evil cats might pee, and even though I washed my hands before eating that orange, it could have gotten under my fingernails!
Anyway. I then became convinced that the reason I’ve always disliked cats is because somehow subconsciously I knew that they were going to endanger my baby. And then I was positive that I shouldn’t be allowed to be a mother because I can’t even remember to wear gardening gloves. I like the feel of dirt!
However, after a hysterical break down, Eric did some research, we spoke to my midwife, and have concluded that a) that the cats would have to POOP there b) they don’t poop there, they poop by the back window c) the statistical odds that I don’t already have toxoplasmosis, plus the odds that I contracted it, plus the odds it would actually reach my baby, are well, quite quite slim.
BUT REGARDLESS. The mental anguish it has caused me has been horrendous. Enough so that Eric is now fed up with those cats, and he hates them as much as I do.
Which brings me to the BB Gun. Eric might have accidently picked one up last night and is positively giddy about it. Don’t worry, he promises not to shoot to kill or even shoot to maim, but just to scare. And even though I dislike cats A LOT, and they have possibly hurt my unborn child, I still don’t totally support it.
But at the same time. I’m not going to stop it.
So take that pussy cat.
I told you, you shouldn’t have read this if you love cats. Don’t judge me. I’m just one pregnant woman trying to make her way in this world.