She’s no Gwyneth pt. 3

And the exciting saga continues as I expand my list of:

THINGS THAT I DO THAT I’M 95% SURE GWYNETH PALTROW DOESN’T DO


To see an explanation of this project and Part 1 see here.

For part 2 please see here.

And now, without further ado

THINGS THAT I DO THAT I’M 95% SURE GWYNETH PALTROW DOESN’T DO

#10. Have her work ID badge returned to her by a blue-rubber-glove-clad HR lady, because she keeps her ID in her back pocket and it fell into the toilet on her last visit to the bathroom. And because the ID fell in face down, no one knew who’s it was, the HR lady had to fish it out, AND THEN RETURNED IT TO HER IN FRONT EVERYONE. (But don’t worry, they said it must have fallen in after I flushed.)

#11. Declare that her sewing machine is being a, “real pill!” and then proceed to take it into the Bernina dealer to have it fixed, where after a 5 minute explanation of all the reasons why her machine is a horrible horrible thing, the repair guy does a two minute inspection and declares, “Well, you had the needle in backwards and that would account for most of the problems you described.” oh. oops.

#12. Upon her co-workers return from the doctors office where he received a bottle of pain killers for his “back problems”, immediately inspect the bottle and confiscate a pill or two for “personal reasons.” (I NEED ME SOME)

#13. Eat at Beto’s. AND LIKE IT.

#14. Find this at her desk when she returns from a meeting:


Yeah, that’s a picture of a monkey, drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper wearing a lady gaga wig with a caption that reads, “You’ve had a rough day. You deserve it.”

#15. Actually feel like when she’s had a rough day THAT SHE DOES DESERVE A DIET DR. PEPPER. There’s usually a reason why I deserve one every day.

#16. Wake up depressed and declare that the only cure for it is to skip work and go see the new Kristen Bell movie When In Rome at 11:30 am. (It’s decent, but really anything with Kristen Bell is a little bit of a disappointment once you’ve watched Veronica Mars and fallen in love with her time and time again)

#17. Watch the first two seasons of Heroes in under a week. And then wake her husband up right as he’s falling asleep to scream this insightful thought, “Heroes is like x-men but different and no costumes.” Yeah. DEEP, I know.

Alright! That’s all for this installment. Stay tuned for all the things I do that I’m 95% sure Gwyneth doesn’t do! Also, I would like to point out that my friend Caitlin added her own personal NOT GWYENTH moment and I thought it was great:

“So today, i took out a pair of boots that i hadn’t worn since last season and i found a dirty sock inside! i thought to myself…Gwyneth definitely would not have old dirty socks stuck in her boots.”

No Caitlin, she would not. Plus, Gwyneth never wears boots for more than one season. Oh to be her!

Please feel free to share yours as well.

xoxo

NOT GWYNETH

12 Comments

  1. Ann

    hehe this was hilarious- thanks for making me laugh today :). i met you at BYU, well actually the flower shop some time ago and we have mutual friends… anyway, not a stalker i promise, just thought your blog was fun!

  2. Liz

    Gwyneth would NEVER eat at Beto's. In fact, I'm 95% she DOESN'T EAT.

  3. We Three Zweigs

    Best Gwyneth installment yet. I'm literally peeing my pants and it's not just because I had a baby and can no longer control these thing.

  4. Tim and Sara

    No one should eat at Beto's! Seriously Ali, you are from So Cal, I would expect your Mexican tastes to be a little more refined. You have been in Utah too long, my friend, too long. I peed my pants a little bit when I saw the picture of the monkey in the Lady Gaga wig…but that's definitely easier to do these days.

  5. becca

    a) i did not like when in rome.

    b) i still love kristen bell because of veronica mars.

    c) she's SO GOOD in veronica mars.

  6. Julie and Kyle

    whats with everyone peeing their pants? im pretty sure gwyneth doesnt do that.

  7. Crystal

    ok, it's a teensy bit spooky how much alike we are.

    I LOVE Betos. Everyone I know thinks I'm disgusting for so thoroughly enjoying myself when I eat there. But I tell you what, I've tried rolled tacos at every Mexican joint this side of St. George. and I have yet to enjoy any as much as I do at my dumpy, little betos.

    Also, I think you remember my obsession with Kristen Bell (aka Veronica Mars) so despite the terrible reviews of When in Rome, I went to see it 2 days ago and really enjoyed my time watching her. The movie was fine, I wished "veronica" wore more make-up, and was a little less girlie and a little more snarky. But, I take what I can get.

    Which brings me to why I started watching Heroes. It was the second season and I'd heard that my fav girl was going to be a guest star. So I made my husband rent the first season with me (which was AWESOME and we couldn't get enough of it) and then watched the first half of the second season online, until I got caught up to Kristen's debut.
    (incidentally, I decided that I love Heroes so much because I have always been such an X-men fan)

    Creepy, I know. Anyway, for all of these reasons, I'm sure Gwenyth and I wouldn't get along and why I like you so very much

  8. Trent & Brooke

    love the 'she's no gwyneth' series. i miss you!

  9. Nichelle

    i love that monkey drinking dr pepper. you creative track people have so many cool friends that give such great every day "thinking of you" gifts. i love beto's and i instantly have a positively altered opinion of anyone else that does too. like i said before, i want alison, gwyneth is BORING. lovin you

  10. Diana

    i really like this installment. and while i've always been a big fan of gwyneth, i have to wonder if she's as interesting as you are.

  11. meredith

    Veronica Mars changes lives. I am pretty sure Gwyneth probably doesn't make outlandish statements like that too. Nor does she believe in them like I do.

    Love these lists girl.

  12. jenny

    I cannot believe there are so many secret VM fans! UNREAL. The movie MUST BE MADE!!!

    95% Gwyneth doesn't watch Veronica Mars.

    Or eat apple jacks 2 meals of the day.

    Or comment on peoples' blogs at 3:12.

    Or read blogs.

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