She Can’t Sleep

Sometimes I just want more.

more clothing
more glamor (any glamor really)
more excitement
more intrigue
more drama
more fun
more ambition
more purpose
more direction
more fame (again, I’d have to start with some fame)
more fortune
more friends

I roll around in bed wondering how I got to where I am, and wishing I was something different, something better, basically, something more.

But then again I also wish I was less.

less crazy
less open with others about the intimate details of my life
less obsessed with baked goods
less fat
less shallow
less boring
less depressed

I reposition myself for the hundredth time, check the clock, let out exasperated sighs. I play a game of scrabble on my phone. Make faces at my stuffed bear in the dark. I give up and get out of bed, waiting for sleep. Waiting for my mind to stop. But it never, and I mean never, stops.

But it does, after an hour or so of the Food Network, slow down and I return to bed. I crawl into a warm, safe, comfortable space, and my adoring husband, who has been sound asleep for hours now, mindlessly grabs my hand…welcoming me back to bed. Back to reality. I feel loved and safe, cherished and blessed, and he isn’t even awake.

Then I realize just how silly and stupid I can be.

How could I possibly ask for anything more?

Good night.

9 Comments

  1. We Three Zweigs

    You're killing me. Adorable, insightful & heartwarming.

  2. Kristin

    I feel you. I spend hours falling asleep with racing brain unless I'm exhausted, and it's usually racing with everything I should have done better and all the ways I don't measure up to where I should be. It helps a lot having someone who thinks you're great no matter what snoring next to you. Be gentle with yourself, is free advice from my mom. 🙂

  3. ashley

    Thanks for this, Alison.

    I have been feeling this thing this very morning! I have been crying because George hasn't crawled yet*. I have decided that I am a failure of a mother already! I think my list of things I wish I was is way too long– unfortunately longer than yours.

    You are great and I love your openness and that you are such a good friend. Don't beat yourself up!

    *George is only 8 months, so it isn't nearly time to get worried yet… I'm just competitive and irrational.

  4. diana palmer

    ahhhh…the curse of the ambitious. you'll get there.

    i've got the worst combo ever going for me: ambitious + lazy. how does that work out?

    not to miss the point of the post though. the ending was lovely.

  5. Liz Canaan Roberts

    i want to leave a comment to tell you how much i dig you.

    i dig you a lot.

  6. ADRIENNE

    Mo' Money (IMDB 1992)

  7. Mame

    I for one am glad you are so open with your personal details because then I can read a blog just like this and realize even someone as perfect as you has doubts and insecurities – so the fact that I have them isn't such a big deal anymore.

  8. kimmy girl

    teared up. love you> you make me want to be married now!

  9. Lezlie

    beautiful al, love it.

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