She’s afraid of babies.

Let’s just start this post with this, NO, I’M NOT PREGGO. Ok. Now that is taken care of…

Lately my life has been invaded by small wiggly creatures with soft skin and limited verbal skills, no not worms, I’m talking about BABIES. Yes people, BABIES.

I am reminded of the best NutraGrain commercial in the world that contains this line: “Babies! Babies EVERYWHERE!” I feel like they’re falling from the rafters. Almost all of the other women with our company who are out here in Philadelphia with their husbands have babies, and unlike our church in downtown Salt Lake City that was full of recovering drug addicts and homeless people, this church is full of young couples and their offspring. You can’t listen to the sermons because you’re too busy playing peek-a-boo and rummaging through your purse for something to entertain whichever small person has toddled your way. I’m not saying I don’t appreciate their distraction, but I totally plan on blaming them for my inevitable damnation.

Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good baby. I just love me an ex-con AA member almost as much. Seriously though, I probably love babies more than your average person. I’m just not used to being around so many of them.

Now if we will recall a few months back when I, cough cough, got a puppy, there was some debate as to people getting puppies in place of children. If I remember correctly people posted and said that puppies and babies have little in common and that one cannot replace the other or prepare you for the other…babies are human, puppies are canine…something along those lines.

But I have to say, after being a puppy owner for a couple of weeks, and being around a lot of babies (obviously this limited interaction has made me a total expert on both!) I don’t totally agree that puppy-care and child-care are mutually exclusive.

I watch these moms chasing around their babies, fretting about their feeding schedule, and doing their damnedest to interpret the non-verbal signs, and I can’t help but fondly reminisce of the golden days that “Pony” and I spent together. Both babies and puppies totally dominate your schedule. And that was the #1 problem I had with the puppy! I felt personally accosted when he needed me to take him to the bathroom. I felt like I couldn’t get one thing done because I constantly had to tend to him, and yet at the same time I couldn’t leave him alone because I felt like if he was out of my sight he would probably die a horrible death.

I realize taking care of a baby has deep soul-filling meaning, and that taking care of a puppy is ultimately mostly self-serving. After a day of doing nothing but taking care of a child you probably feel more accomplished than after a day of doing nothing but taking care of a puppy. But still, after failing miserably as a puppy mama I’ve been having a lot of anxiety about being a baby mama.

I also have a lot of pregnant friends right now. I guess it’s just that time of life for me. But I’ve seen first-hand, and also read in books and crap, how easy-going moms have easy-going babies and anxiety stress-laden moms get little stress-case babies. So even though I’m not planning on having children for a while, I’ve been trying to change my personality so that when I am pregnant I’m not stressed and full of anxiety.

Shockingly enough it’s not working. Apparently I’ve been this way for a while. But if I had a hospital-worthy panic attack after two weeks with a puppy, HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO HAVE A BABY? And because there are so many babies around me it just seems like everybody else just has babies like on their way to yoga without so much as a mild meltdown.

So my question is HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO THAT? I saw half an episode of “Birth Day” on TLC today and I cried for like half an hour. It was so traumatic.

I really don’t want to have kids for a while. Mostly because I think I owe it to my future child to be somewhat sane before I do, but then I mean, I have sex, birth control doesn’t always work! I COULD BE PREGNANT AT ANY MOMENT.

So I applaud all of you moms, the new ones and the old ones. All the pregnant ladies and all the women who can mentally handle the idea of having a baby. I think you’re doing a great job. Any books I should read? I like to REALLY prepare for things like years in advance.

OK. No more TLC for this girl. In other news I’ve been sick. Which isn’t too bad when you don’t have to go to work, just mildly annoying. I don’t know maybe I shouldn’t have let like 3 kids play with my chapstick at church.


I love all of you and your babies.




  1. Elle and Jared

    Okay, girl. Firstly, babies and puppies are actually very similar. Coincidentally, I have had more people tell me that their dog (or rat in some cases) is named Lucy than humans named Lucy. I will admit, that the baby thing is a little bit freakier because they are related to you (so when something goes wrong with them you blame yourself).

    Secondly, few books have really helped me with the whole birthing/baby thing, but I will tell you not to read Ina May's birth book or any other about "orgasmic natural birth"…it is a lie, just for the record, and my midwife is convinced that a man must've come up with it.

  2. Amanda

    Don't hate me 'cause my baby is awesome! I really don't have any tips but to agree with you in saying that I probably won't get much out of church for the next 10 or so years of my life.

  3. Kelly M

    Read whatever you want, but nothing will prepare you for having a baby except the experience. And I will warn you (for the future date) that after a day with a newborn baby you don't always feel accomplished at then end of the day. It probably is similar to a puppy. It was a strange adjustment for me after working full time for a couple years. But the amazing thing is how much love you have for that tiny time-sucker. I'm not a dog person (don't hate me) so I can't really compare, but I don't think it's possible to love any animal as much as your baby- your flesh and blood who you sacrificed your body and health for. It's one of those things you can't really explain, you just have to experience. And it's also amazing how naturally mothering comes. I mean, you were actually made to do this, afterall! Don't underestimate that.

    And yes, you won't get anything out of church for a while after having a baby. But you will always have snacks and board books on hand- that's one of the perks! 🙂

  4. Kat Green

    Here's something especially relevant: My cat was named Lucy. Lucy Morals, to be exact.

  5. Nichelle Jensen

    Last night you did a typically over the top outstanding job at giving Eric the BEST pie and an excellent day. But remember how his birthday success was still out of your control and hinged on the Orlando Magic win? I think it will be a similar concept. I think it just comes down to learning to accept that there will always be a chance you could be thought of as a failure. You'll be an EXCEPTIONAL mother, just like your mother; you know, crafty, selfless, innovative, intelligent, creative, Christ-like fun, loyal, loving, cool, yadda yadda. But you may at one point be seen as a failure by someone because there will always be some kind of Orlando Magic factor. Eh?

  6. Alexandra

    Yeah, I'm not baby hungry in the slightest either. Elizabeth made me stop babysitting because I hated it. Don't worry, the bio clock will tick when it's supposed to. xo

  7. tracyjax

    Having a puppy is soooo like having a baby. Ok so I've never had my own baby or my own puppy. I've just watched over them for other people but I really feel like I've come out of it with all the same the same thoughts: cute, fun, but glad to give them back to their mom.

  8. crystal

    Even after a full day of hanging out with my baby I still sometimes feel guilty that I wasn't really "doing anything"…(I mean besides doing EVERYTHING for a helpless little human).

    Also, I can occasionally fool people into thinking that I'm semi laid-back; but honestly I'm a stress case, always have been, always will be and guess what… my baby pretty much only cries when she's tired. Most mellow baby on the planet. So don't stress about stressing, you'll be fine.

    And last, but not least, these feelings you're having are normal. I know I felt them for about 3 1/2 years of our marriage. I didn't want anything to do with babies besides the occasional squeezing and mauling of somebody else's little one. But, one day something snapped and here I am today with a bouncing bundle of my very own. One day you'll want one, don't worry.

  9. Mike

    Two truths, as I see it:

    1 – Once you take the plunge and have a baby, it is FOREVER. You will be a parent for the rest of your life, and since you've never been one before, there is not going to be a future point in time at which you will feel prepared and ready to completely and unalterably change your life. It's impossible to feel prepared ahead of time.

    2 – You cannot even fathom how much you will like your children. It doesn't matter what other interaction you've had with puppies or other people's kids, or even your own nieces, nephews or siblings. No other relationship you've ever had will prepare you for how much you will instantly adore your own child. Trust me, I'm on number 2, and I still wasn't prepared for how much I would like the second one, even after having the first. Imagining taking care of all the needs of another (unknown) person FOREVER (as mentioned above) sounds very daunting in the abstract, but that's because you cannot realize yet how much you will WANT to take care of them. It's not nearly the struggle that it would otherwise seem.

    I'm not saying you should have a baby right now, but just be realistic about the fact that no one is ever ready until they see that big moon face looking up at them. At that point, you forget entirely about your concerns, and love kicks in to fill in the gaps of your capabilities. For real.

  10. The Yardley's

    TOTALLY agree with Mike in every way. There are days when I think I'm doing a pretty good job as a mother. Gavin will say something that just warms my heart and Roman will fold his arms during the prayer. Other days, like today, I've already said dammit twice and its only 8:56 am. That's life.

  11. Carlita

    i think having a baby would be easier (used loosely here) if we didn't have so much control over the "when" part. so many contraceptives and excuses to keep us all from being pregnant… so then we feel like we actually have "control" over when we have a kid – which makes it harder to decide when is "right" or when we are actually "prepared."

    i'm not saying it's easy when a girl gets knocked up without any preparation… but at least at that point there is no more excuses but to man-up and get yourself prepared. however, i am still on Birth Control and have no plans of having a child anytime soon… and i never watch TLC.

  12. impybrownie

    CENSORSHIP IS ALIVE AND WELL on this blog. 🙁

  13. impybrownie

    COWARD 🙁

  14. impybrownie

    COWARD 🙁

  15. impybrownie

    COWARD 🙁

  16. naomi

    Nice post. Eugh, I hope that stuff on babies sharing temperaments with their mothers is a life, else my children will be basket cases of worry.

  17. Alison

    impy brownie,

    you can whine about me and my content all you want, but if you make any unwarranted negative comments about other people on my blog, i will delete them. because my blog is about being nice.


  18. AaReAn

    you are a funny one you are! Hey any good Fathers day gift ideas?!?!?! I am so out of creative juice!!!!

  19. AaReAn

    p.s. i am so confused at the impybrownie comment?

  20. impybrownie

    I was just in a bad mood.
    Then all that talk about motherhood, really got me thinking…
    I'll work on keeping my cool.

  21. impybrownie

    To AnnReann:
    I have an idea. How about a calendar of yourself.
    You are so beautiful, I'm sure your dad would go gaga for a calendar of you.
    Just an idea. 🙂

  22. impybrownie

    One more thing for AnnReann:
    Here's a link to my favorite calendar program center. It's so fun and easy, and crafty, that's a nod to you SheBlogs.

    Today is a good day, once I started to think about others, and not just me, and that I don't have any children to love. Because I can love my neighbors children.

  23. Nichelle Jensen

    what is the point of this secret impy person? if it's one of you guys, that is really messed up. i think you should be done commenting now.

  24. impybrownie

    Will you please remove what nichelle wrote. It's an unwarranted negative comment.

  25. Roberston

    I love you baby.

  26. Sharon

    All I have to say is I'm afraid of PUPPIES!!!

  27. Samantha

    I agree with Mike's comment

    "You cannot even fathom how much you will like your children."

    And with other comments. I feel like this issue is so huge I would need more specific, aimed questions to answer it well. I just don't know what to say b/c I don't know how we (meaning parents) do it sometimes either. It's hard but it's super rewarding. It's biological. You do what you have to do when just before it came your way you could have never done it.

  28. kura2025

    Ah yes, the random baby toting couple in our singles ward yesterday made me realize why I NEVER got anything from sacrament meeting in my home ward.

  29. mgfaulkner

    Well, I never particularly liked babies, or babysitting, when I was younger, so I worried that I wouldn't be much of a Mom. But I've liked being a Mom just about every day. You're way better than a puppy – you have opposable thumbs! And a sense of humor! I remember that I was a little bored/overwhelmed/confused for the first year, but then we started to talk, and laugh, and we've all been having such interesting conversations ever since. You'll be a great Mom Ali. And you'll blog about it!

  30. andrea

    Babies love babies.

  31. Vanessa

    ok so i read the baby blog and i couldnt agree more or be more frightened just like you (while laughing my head off). and i agree that puppies and babies HAVE to be similar because with our puppy there was no sleep being had, only potty trips. so amen sister.

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