She’s rethinking her life plan.

Do you ever watch an actress or see a musician and think, “HOLY CRAP. IF I WERE A MUSICIAN (or actress or fill in the blank) I’D BE HER!!!”?

No? Maybe? I don’t usually stay abreast of pop culture, aside from America’s Next Top Model, but I do love bad R&B and bad pop music. And lately, and I know I’m behind on this one, I have 100% discovered my pop star alter ego. The discovery is seriously causing me to rethink my whole life plan. And here it is:

I kind of wish I could die and come back as Lady Gaga.

No, I’m serious. Normally I don’t wish I was anyone else other than who I am. I really like myself about 50% of the time. I figure that’s not half bad. And I know Lady Gaga is fairly raunchy, and burlesque, and melodramatic. But this is exactly why I think if circumstances had been different, and I had any musical talent, I would totally be Lady Gaga.

Some people are born demure and composed and with natural inclinations to keep their clothing on. And then other people, despite attending church every week and an innate respect for authority (me) have always loved the idea of one naughty shimmy…among other things.

I don’t remember the exact discussion, or what prompted it, but when I was 15, in Sunday School I actually said out loud (and while my mother was incidentally in the room) with 100% sincerity, “Well, I mean, everybody secretly dreams of being a pole dancer, right?”

Only when the whole room burst out laughing in utter shock did I realize that not everyone felt the same way as I did. Or AT LEAST THEY WOULDN’T ADMIT IT!

But what can I say? I love glitter, I love glam, and I love David Bowie. Lady Gaga got her start putting on her own burlesque shows in NYC clubs. After reading her bio on wikipedia (REMEMBER HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE ON MY HANDS?) I have made a list of things Lady Gaga and I have in common:

1. She routinely changes her hair back and forth between brown and blonde, AND SO DO I!

2. We both know pants are overrated

3. She says and I quote, “I didn’t know what to do until I discovered Bowie and Queen.” ME TOO!

4. We both think being fanned with palm fronds by hoards of oily men is a really good idea

5. She’s been a go-go dancer, now I haven’t been a go-go dancer, but I think had I spent more time and attention perfecting my legs and my hot moves, I could have been a really good one

6. People think she’s too theatrical…HELLO

7. I, like Lady Gaga, didn’t fully bloom into my own until Akon took me under his wing and discovered my musical chops

Well, I’m waiting for that last one to happen. But it might. Anyway, Lady Gaga learned the piano by ear at the age of four, and had early acceptance to NYC’s Tisch School of Arts, and she’s three years younger than me, so I’m not 100% sure how I’m going to become her this late in the game. But I figure the best start is losing a lot of weight, only wearing sparkly leotards, and dying my hair white-blonde again. That’s about all I have for my new life plan so far. If you have any other suggestions I’m totally open.

But I’m just gonna’ keep on trucking. I know it sounds glamorous, but in the end I’m just one girl, with one big dream…to end up performing on the season finale of Dancing with the Stars in nothing but magenta lame and sequins. Sigh, I just don’t feel like it’s too much to ask.

xoxo

Lady Alison

19 Comments

  1. Mello

    You may not believe this, but as I was watching the finale of Dancing with the Stars I was rocking out to Lady Gaga’s performance, and I thought to myself: In a weird way, she totally reminds me of Faulkner.

  2. Alison

    BLESS YOU STEPH! BLESS YOU!!!!

  3. crystal

    Wait, wait… Lady Gaga is 3 years younger than us!? If someone 3 years younger than me is named “lady” what does that make me? I feel like such old news.

    Anyway, I will admit that I’ve always wanted to be a pole dancer. But I give you serious props for admitting it in church.

    I was totally digging on the strip tease aerobics class at my gym. Everyone else seemed to feel uncomfortable but I was on the front row, smack in the center.

  4. Danielle

    Funny. Make it Happen.

  5. Mike

    The greatest episode of King of Queens (a dubious honor, I know) was when Doug talked Carrie into learning to pole dance, and installed a pole in their bedroom. She was terrible. It was heartbreaking. I’m pretty sure this is exactly how that fantasy plays out for 99% of the people who give it a try.

  6. marshall p

    I just wanted to be a stripper. leave the pole-dancing to the coordinated girls. I approve of your plans!

  7. Julia

    Even the demure ones secretly wish that and anyone who says differently is lying….

  8. Breanne King

    Um HELLO I currently have her Fame cd in my car and I listen to it daily. I just think about being “beautiful and dirty rich” and I think my husband kinda does taste like “glitter mixed with rock n roll”
    I would vote for you.

  9. mgfaulkner

    In my next life I’m coming back as Cher.

  10. Kat Green

    In my next life, I’m gonna be mgfaulkner.

  11. roxanne

    Seriously, I don’t even know you but I have read your blog for awhile, and I swear you popped into my head when she was on stage as well. I love that you posted this!

  12. impybrownie

    I think you’d make a better Lady Gag Me…

  13. Trent & Brooke

    ok who is “impybrownie” that commented above me? what?! is she being serious or what? what the…

    anyways, YES you do remind me of Lady Gaga for sure!!! your frequent random hip thrusts throughout the King Henry apt, calling me “brookah the hookah”…etc etc. it all makes sense now!
    i miss you ali– where are you? are you coming near baltimore anytime this summer? if yes, we must see each other. and p.s. i know what you mean about having more time- i read bios on wikipedia often:)

  14. naomi

    Swear down, before i got to the part where you revelealed your pop-alter ego, I got “just dance” in my head and thought “it has to be Lady GaGa”
    Also, your honesty warms my heart and cracks me up.

  15. naomi

    And seriously, she’s really that young? no WONDER her legs look so decent.

  16. The Yardley's

    thats funny, because everytime i see her i think of you, and i have no idea why. thanks for clearing this up!

  17. Jendar

    i like Lady Gaga too. i discovered her about a year ago when she performed in the Miss Universe pageant. I was in awe. i know the girl can be a bit crazy sometimes, but like you, i also read her wikipedia page and realized how talented she is. plus she went to my school, so it makes me like her even more.

  18. Tim and Sara

    Love to read the word “abreast” anytime, anywhere. DO IT.

  19. Owen and Julianna

    hi-i dont know if you remember me-Julianna Nolte- now Snead(married to Owen). I read your blog-cuz you make me laugh-everytime. And yes, same with my husband and I- when we were watching American Idol (i think it was) we totally said-Lady GaGa=Alison Faulkner.
    live your dreams.

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