She says, “Throw me a FREAKING bone!”

For a person who believes that love is the most important thing in the world, I have the ability to get pretty freaking angry. Some days the “F word” not freaking, the REAL f word (swearing is silly, isn’t it?) cycles through my head at an uncontrollable rate and I’m just one wrong look away from tackling whoever dares to piss me off with said wrong look to the the ground using only office supplies i.e., my stapler, metal ruler, and computer cables.

Sometimes when I’m getting ready for the day I make a mental checklist of things to do and to NOT do. Often “DO NOT ACT INAPPROPRIATE AT WORK” is at the top of my list. I think, “Remember where you are Alison. These people give you a pay check Alison. Do NOT yell at your superiors or dance in other people’s cubicles. Unless they want you to. And at the very least STOP TALKING ABOUT THE MYRIAD OF SIDE EFFECTS FROM YOUR HELLISH PERIOD. People do not respect people who won’t stop talking about how bad their cramps are.” (But my cramps really are intolerable!)

Yesterday I really did intend to be an exemplary employee.

I’ve been having a bit of a dilemma over a commercial I wrote that is playing on the air right now. I love the commercial. It’s not fine art, or maybe even award winning, but at least I still laugh every time I see it and I think it gives the client a nice edge. It’s a commercial with a cow and a hot girl. Anyway, there was some controversy over the commercial, “It’s too edgy! We’ll get calls about bestiality! Blah blah… Don’t show the animal you’re going to eat…blah blah…such and such.” So most people like the commercial, but one of my bosses isn’t a fan (it’s hard to watch your boss hang his head in shame when he looks at your work…) and then the other day the Account Person (the person who makes nice with the client and tells the creatives, me, what to do) alludes to the fact that sales for the item in the commercial are down.

ME: Well, have you heard about the economy?

ACCOUNT MAN: Well usually when we run a promotion the sales for that item (in this case an 89 cent burger) peak.

ME: So you think that my commercial has single handedly dropped sales?

ACCOUNT MAN: I’m just saying usually sales peak.

ME: Even in a recession?

ACCOUNT MAN: Yeah.

ME: (Walks away mentally preparing to live off of beans and rice and free food from church activities)

I talked Eric’s ear off all night about what we would do when I got fired, how we’d make due. Stressed out about it, didn’t sleep. And legitimately came to work the next day prepared to be fired. (Yes I was being dramatic, but YOU NEVER KNOW!)

Somehow I lasted until the afternoon without asking “SO WHERE ARE YOU KEEPING THE CHOPPING BLOCK!” And then I heard my boss from far away say my name. This is it. This is when they call me in and say, “Off with her sales dropping commercial head.”

But instead my boss shouted, “Alison, did you hear that?”

I popped up out of my chair and said, “Hear what?”

“[Account person who made Alison feel like a big pile of crap] just told me that sales for burgers are actually up 300% from last month!”

ME: 300%??? Since we aired the commercial?

BOSS: Yeah 300%!

ME, now running through the office with a psychotic look in my eye ready to injure the account guy who didn’t bother to come and tell ME! the person who he made think that they were losing their job that the commercial is actually doing well: THREE HUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNDDDDREDDDD PER FREAKING CENT????

ACCOUNT MAN: Well, but they’re still down a tad from last year.

And now I’m standing in the main entrance, right where all the owners of the company have offices. And I am yelling as loud as I can yell. I’m bright red.

ME: THE ECONOMY IS DOWN A TAD!!!!! THROW ME A FREAKING BONE! SERIOUSLY. THROW…ME…A…FREAKING…BONE.

And then I kept screaming “300%!!!” Like a mad woman the rest of the afternoon. I’m surprised I didn’t wake up in my sleep yelling the number.

Anyway. I’m not fired yet. But maybe after this post I will be.

So, what can we learn from this little episode?

1. I suck at being appropriate at work

2. I’m awesome at writing commercials

and

3. Every once and a while you should go out of your way to say, “Good job!” Or “Nice work!” Sometimes a kind word is the only thing that keeps people holding on. It’s well worth the teeny tiny amount of effort it takes to be nice, to help a person sleep well at night. Don’t you think? So tell people any nice thought you have about them. Do yourself and everyone else a favor AND THROW SOMEONE A FREAKING BONE.

And yes, that’s what she said.

8 Comments

  1. +L

    i want to see the commercial. does it only air in salt lake?? i’m dying- DYING i say. must see commercial. and yes. nice job.

  2. Scott Christopherson

    They should can you anyway.

  3. marshall p

    wait… you wrote that commercial?

  4. big willy style

    ali- i love you.

  5. Alison

    marsha if you mean that in a good way then YES OF COURSE!!!

  6. Alex

    Awesome!
    also, i flipped open Modern Bride in an airport and squealed a bit at p. 200…someone should throw you a bone for love tweet love’s sake!

  7. Mame

    I wanna know what commercial it is! And Allison, I do love your blog…

  8. Evan

    That account man is an ass…and he sucks at his job.

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