She Honks She Honks

I try to be a nice person. I love people! I love life! I try to make strangers laugh and birds sing. I use the crosswalk and never litter. Why? Because my life philosophy is that we should all do our best to show as much love as we possibly can…

However, no matter how firmly I believe that love makes the world go ’round…it doesn’t change the fact that when you put this blonde crazy (me) behind the wheel of her electric blue Jetta (JetBlue), I magically and without warning become one of the angriest human-hating monsters on the planet that kills bunnies for pleasure and drinks blood for sport. I lose all control, and the Hulk-like Alison compulsively shouts things like:

“DIE GREEN SUBARU DIEEEEE!!!”

“YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON HUMMER! YOU EAT BABIES!”

“I HATE YOU CIVIC! I HATE YOU!”

“ROT IN HELL BIKER! ROT!!! I SAY ROT!”

*Edited version.

I don’t just curse the car that I feel is being an IDIOT, I curse the driver, their mother, their father, and their dog.

My newest habit is to take my right hand off the steering wheel and dramatically pretend to push the car in front of me that I feel is going too slow. I don’t care if they see. I want them too. Hurry your ass up!

I don’t flip people off it’s not creative/dorky enough for this girl. I prefer to verbally berate their intelligence and question the meaning of their existence.

WHY AM I SO MAD!? What about driving turns us (me) into raving maniacs?

It’s not like I commute! I live 10 minutes max from work. It’s not like I have this hectic schedule with dozens of kids needing to go to soccer practice. I’m just one, happy little girl with a cute husband and a lot of owls in her apartment. I don’t understand why I’m so freaking angry.

I could blame the drivers of Utah (they definitely have to assume at least 40% of the fault) or my genes…my brother Evan’s horn doesn’t work anymore, he blew it out from over-honking, and one time while stuck in post-Padre’s game traffic he brandished a knife…but deep down, I know I have control over my actions.

I think road rage is just another reason why we should all switch to public transportation. But I’m too impatient to wait at a red light, let alone wait for the TRAX. I salute all that do/can.

Anyway. I’m working on it. I swear. And I still love you, and I love all you do. And one day I’ll float through traffic like a stoner at a Phish show. I promise. But unless you have any tips in the meantime, for your own safety, I suggest you watch out for JetBlue.

11 Comments

  1. crystal

    all I have to say is Amen sister. I am the EXACT same way, but i blame my husband. His bad habits have rubbed off on me, including the over-use of my horn.

  2. wirthy to blog

    i laughed out loud when i read this. three times. you kill me. btw it was so so good to see you!

  3. mrs. everything

    this is me!
    I saw a license plate that said “LUVULUVU” and I totally thought of you! I was going to text you and then I realized I don’t have your number anymore! (replaced le phone). Email it to me.

  4. Scott

    I loved your story about Evan’s horn. That is classic. I hope you never have to live in LA or DC. The traffic might make your arteries explode. Your blog is great.

  5. Tom

    wow…i think a book on tape might be a good solution for you. 😉

  6. Breanne King

    You must be mad at our green subaru! Its not my fault that I can’t drive over 40! You must hate me…I’m embarrassed…at least I know that if you’re mad at a green subaru on the freeway its not me.

  7. Fish Nat!on

    dear alison
    you were going to be “alison is lover” since you love much and hate little, but i didnt want to put either of us in a compromising situation.
    2. fine. you are no longer sweet. which, after reading this post, i wholeheartedly agree. changed. let me know if it is acceptable.
    c. i have not thus far had any complaints about the yellow, although i sometimes get really blurry when i proof read my own writings. i always just thought it was my eyes, maybe you have really caught on to something. ill look into it.
    finally. i share your passion for hating all things on the road. i think i possibly curse lights more than drivers though.

  8. Fish Nat!on

    Dear Alison
    Please tell me a better solution than yellow that goes with the current color scheme, and perhaps i may be willing to make a change.

    after all, i have waited 7 months for you to start reading and commenting upon my blog, and i’d hate to loose you now.

    love, fish

  9. big willy style

    jet booooooooooooooo.
    boo, meaning boo for your driving and not what we say every october

  10. Katie

    It’s Utah. When I lived there I was a ball of rage. Probably becuase I was rear ended 3 times in one year.

  11. sassparilla

    alison

    thank you for keeping me up until 3:12 am reading your blog, which i randomly blog-hopped onto. i don't even remember how i got here, i was so engrossed.

    saw your wedding invite months ago — patricia showed it to me. love it. love your blog.

    i'm hooked. obviously.

    <3 amber j

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