She Red Boxes She Red Boxes

Some girl’s husbands are addicted to video games, some girl’s husbands are, sadly, addicted to porn, some girl’s husbands are addicted to big hits from a bong followed by episodes of The Family Guy…

My husband, however, is only addicted to a large Red Box.


Granted, the first time I saw a Red Box…which if you aren’t familiar with, are these big red candy machines that dispense a huge selection of DVD’s for rent for a dollar a day…I thought to myself, this is an ingenious idea. The people of Utah are going to LOVE THIS. And they do. On any given Friday night throngs of underpaid, entertainment thirsty Utahns crowd the boxes and will stoop to renting a Duff sister movie if it’s all the box has left to offer.

You can now find Red Boxes in front of many quality locations: McDonalds, Smiths, Maverick…but I’ve been holding off from the Box. Mainly because I cannot be trusted to return a movie in a day. Really, I had Lars and the Real Girl so long Hollywood Video asked if wanted to buy it. The idea of paying a dollar a day for a movie I will probably have for two weeks plus, is too much to bear.

But the other day, my sweet husband was tempted by the red siren, and now he has fully surrendered to her. In two days we have watched (all his choice) Drillbit Taylor, Beowulf, and Hot Rod. I know he’ll return Hot Rod today (which actually has a HYSTERICAL Footloose parody scene) and again I fear the box will prove just too tempting for him to resist.

I warn you now against this machine dressed in the color of Satan. It will steal hours of your life, encouraging you to watch movies that under normal circumstances you would have avoided with all your might.

And so, I leave you with this question, if the big Red Box got in a fight with Clifford, the big red dog, who my friends? Who? Would win?

I love you all


Alison Faulkner not yet legally Robertson
(I do this so when you google me my blog pulls up! I’m a slave to SEO)


  1. AOBrien

    Your husband is going to love me for this… Now you can rent for free!

  2. hanner

    I love the Red Box disclaimer that says if you keep the movie for 25 days then it’s yours, for a mere… $25.

  3. crystal

    My name is Crystal and My husband is addicted to Family Guy and recently the Venture Brothers (sans big bong hits).

    Alison tell your husband that if he’s going to be a red box whore he needs to be a little more choosy about movies. Drillbit Taylor and Beowulf?

  4. Roberston

    To Crystal:

    Beowulf was lame. I’ll give you that. Drillbit Taylor was far from. Watch the deleted scenes and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

    Eric Robertson

  5. Krista

    No one here in NC knows what a “red box” is. I went into a local McDonalds and asked if they had a “red box” and all i got was blank stares. I said “you know the DVD vending machines…?” and they replied by saying they sell hamburgers and fries not movies. They thought I was completely off my rocker! It’ll be funny when they get one delivered to their store and realize I am not a crazed lunatic.

  6. Jake and Jenna

    i want everyone to know that i laughed my ass off watching drillbit taylor. holy crap.

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