She’s a criminal, She drowns kittens

I’m every copper’s dream.

I’m blonde (even if I am sans ponytail)

I’m ALWAYS on my cell phone (my coworker asked me if my I had to be on my phone for my car to start, he’s so witty)

I have California plates (don’t act like you Utahn’s aren’t prejudice)

and I drive an electric blue Jetta.

I mean come on, I’m like bait.

But contrary to what you might think, despite my scattered attention span, lack of directional sense and tendency to get dramatically and emotionally involved in my phone conversations, I’m a decent driver!

So today when I barely, I MEAN BARELY, sneaked into the crosswalk when the light was red, I didn’t think it was the end of the world.

I felt bad about it. I’m a runner, I know how annoying it is for cars to be in the crosswalk. But I might have been on my cell phone having a very important conversation with my mom about how my hormones cause me to act irrationally, and me being a bit in the crosswalk paled in comparison to this life altering discussion. Nonetheless, I looked over my shoulder, (the “good driver point bell” DINGs) and backed up out of the cross walk. All while blabbing away to my mother.

Then what to my wandering eyes should appear? But a cop in the car to my right, probably off to shoot eight tiny reindeer. He wasn’t even in a cop car, he was in one of those all white discrete cop cars. But, oh man WAS HE MAD!

Mom! There is a cop next to me!

What is he doing? Are you getting pulled over?

I hope not, all I have on me is my giant Diet Dr. Pepper.

I threw my phone on the seat next to me and looked over at him. (No, I didn’t hang up, we needed to finish the convo) And you would have thought I was murdering a baby judging by the look on his face. He shook his head and convulsed with rage. I kid you not, he was IRATE.

I mouthed “Officer! I’m so sorry” and made my best Cher from Clueless “Oops” face. He rolled down his window to talk to me. I was nervous, so I accidentally rolled down the driver’s side window first, which made him even more disgusted. Then by the time I figured out how to roll down the passenger’s side window the light was green.

He paused for a second, deciding whether or not I was worth the effort to arrest, then said loudly, “You know what YOU did!” as he drove off.

I meekly made my left-hand turn and tried not to change lanes without signaling on my way back to the office. Then obviously I had to get back on the phone to tell my mom what happened.

Honestly, I know it’s not cool to pull into the crosswalk, but he was unreasonably angry. However, I love everyone, so I will apologize to all the possible non-existent pedestrians that I inconvenienced.

But as for Officer Angry, he should probably take a minute to call HIS mom to discuss how HIS hormones are making him so damn irritable.

10 Comments

  1. crystal

    Did I miss something?? Why in the world was he so angry when you obviously rectified the situation before you even noticed him. What’s the deal? I didn’t think pulling into the crosswalk validates a “you know what you did!” Anyway, I’m glad you talk to your mom about hormones, because I do too. It must be a girl thing.

  2. Eddie and Breanne King

    Alison! You make me laugh so incredibly hard. I wish I was you.

  3. Matt and Jennae Porter

    Utah cops all have giant sticks up their you-know-whats. Seriously, they are the most egotistical, high on their horse, take their job way too seriously people in the whole world. I don’t even think you did anything wrong. Was he mad that you pulled into the crosswalk, or that you put the car in reverse? I don’t even get it.

  4. Jen Sattley

    Hey Alison! Its Jen Sattley – I found your blog and know I can’t get enough – I’m addicted to your witty, hysterical commentary. I LOVE your haircut by the way! Hope your hormones don’t get you in too much trouble today =)

  5. Carpfam

    I have to tell you how much I loved seeing some of your gorgeous wedding pictures!! I looked at the little video three times! You looked so beautiful! I honestly wish I could plan my wedding all over again every time I go to someone elses wedding, or see pictures. Anyway, it looked like the perfect day, I’m so happy for you! I think my favorite pictures are the ones of you on the couch with your legs crossed in the air and the ones of you and your man with the citrus trees. I LOVE THEM!!

    ps Your new haircut is adorable and I love all of your stories, thanks for sharing!

  6. tracyjax

    oh my gosh that story was brilliant. I love that mama was on the phone the whole time. would love to hear what she heard! hahaha

  7. hanner

    I just wish that the world could understand hormones.

  8. Alison

    He’s probably just mad he’ll never ever be my boyfriend.

  9. maines

    Hey Alison! I was wondering if I could get your new address so I can congratulate Eric and you properly…with presents!!! 🙂 Can you email it to me?
    shalainemh@aol.com
    Thanks
    p.s. You are hysterical and if it makes you feel any better I got 4 tickets in 2 months my last summer in Provo. One of them was even “reckless endangerment”. I think I may have ran over a pedestrian in a crosswalk. I can’t quite remember.

  10. Matt Clayton

    I thought about you at every crosswalk today…and I mean every.

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