A visual of the past.
The dust is settling on post-party life, and I’m working really hard to launch my new online shop called Party With Alison. I filmed the promotional footage months ago, and lots of the work is done, and now I’m in that really, really hard phase that happens with any project, the finishing.
It’s the middle of the day on a Tuesday, and I’m supposed to be going through the HUNDREDS of files (the shop will be filled with digital party downloads) and make edits, write website descriptions, and you know, GET ER DONE.
And I just haven’t been able to shake the feeling like I’m in the wrong place. I keep picturing my super messy office at our old house (remember how we moved in May?) and my desk in the corner of that blue room. I never liked the paint color, we painted it that color before Ginger was born and I had intended for it to be more gray. Then it became my office, and the carpet had the worst stains, and then I covered them with a rug and I kept that blue paint. Hah! The room had gorgeous light, but I don’t really think of it in the light. I think of it in the dark. Because that’s where I worked late at night, for years, not sleeping, writing, emailing, editing projects, just getting things done. Letting the whole house and my life fall to chaos, while I GOT THINGS DONE.
And right now, I just miss it so much I feel like sobbing. I’m in a bright, clean office, with an intern putting things away and an assistant assisting things, and it just feels so wrong. Who on earth am I to be here doing this? It doesn’t feel safe, it doesn’t feel right, I feel like a fraud. Please please can I go back to a desk covered in so much crap I can’t find my phone?
And yet at the same time I’m happy and it all seems right. How is that? I’m also more at peace, generally speaking, than I have been in a long time. My life isn’t in chaos outside the doors. My husband is happy, my kids are happy. My house isn’t filthy. So why do I want to be back in that tiny messy office?
I often wonder how much pondering is too much pondering. I’m a super introspective person and I think it can be a trap a lot of the time. Because I’ve found that action is usually what helps. Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time stopping, a hard time sitting still. I want to stop the never ending thoughts so I just go and DO. (Yes, yes I know I need to meditate. But also this writing is kind of my meditation.)
But I think what it is, is that sometimes the hardest part of success is owning it and accepting it. Of course I’m grateful for the cool things I get to do, and that Eric and I provide for our family in such fulfilling ways, but I don’t sit around thinking I’m successful. I mostly sit around thinking what more I need to be doing and all the things I haven’t done. I even wanted to go back and edit this paragraph because I don’t like calling this success. Is that what this is? Maybe it’s just progression or change.
Either way, it’s easy to get nostalgic and think, “I was doing things better then!” Or, “Man it was so easy and comfortable.” But if I’m honest with myself it wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t comfortable. I’m constantly doing things that are uncomfortable, and that is why I continue to grow. What I was doing was HARD in that moment, and it didn’t feel safe.
And so that’s what this is. This is what is feels like to stretch yourself. And even though the curtains are made of sequins, and it looks like a lot of fun, it doesn’t mean it isn’t uncomfortable and it isn’t hard. And the perspective I try to keep is, yes, it’s hard, but it’s not cancer, or world tragedy. But it is my life, and it’s good to process, to think, to write.
To acknowledge the feeling and then hopefully watch it pass by. RuPaul described this visual when she was talking about meditation (uh duh I listen to her Podcast). And I’m gonna rephrase it cause I love it, but it’s like this is the goal: I’m sitting on the bank of a river, watching my thoughts, saying hello to them but I’m not letting them control me or carry me away with them. So I sit, and watch them pass, politely and with love.
So that’s what I’m trying to do. Rather then letting the feeling of being a fraud, or not feeling safe carry me away, I’m just going to give them the bro head nod (you know, a quick lift of the chin) and then I can return to what I was doing and yes, GET ER DONE.
Sending you love through the screen.