Too legit to quit.

Too legit to quit.
August 2, 2016 Alison Faulkner

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A visual of the past.

The dust is settling on post-party life, and I’m working really hard to launch my new online shop called Party With Alison. I filmed the promotional footage months ago, and lots of the work is done, and now I’m in that really, really hard phase that happens with any project, the finishing.

It’s the middle of the day on a Tuesday, and I’m supposed to be going through the HUNDREDS of files (the shop will be filled with digital party downloads) and make edits, write website descriptions, and you know, GET ER DONE.

And I just haven’t been able to shake the feeling like I’m in the wrong place. I keep picturing my super messy office at our old house (remember how we moved in May?) and my desk in the corner of that blue room. I never liked the paint color, we painted it that color before Ginger was born and I had intended for it to be more gray. Then it became my office, and the carpet had the worst stains, and then I covered them with a rug and I kept that blue paint. Hah! The room had gorgeous light, but I don’t really think of it in the light. I think of it in the dark. Because that’s where I worked late at night, for years, not sleeping, writing, emailing, editing projects, just getting things done. Letting the whole house and my life fall to chaos, while I GOT THINGS DONE.

And right now, I just miss it so much I feel like sobbing. I’m in a bright, clean office, with an intern putting things away and an assistant assisting things, and it just feels so wrong. Who on earth am I to be here doing this? It doesn’t feel safe, it doesn’t feel right, I feel like a fraud. Please please can I go back to a desk covered in so much crap I can’t find my phone?

And yet at the same time I’m happy and it all seems right. How is that? I’m also more at peace, generally speaking, than I have been in a long time. My life isn’t in chaos outside the doors. My husband is happy, my kids are happy. My house isn’t filthy. So why do I want to be back in that tiny messy office?

I often wonder how much pondering is too much pondering. I’m a super introspective person and I think it can be a trap a lot of the time. Because I’ve found that action is usually what helps. Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time stopping, a hard time sitting still. I want to stop the never ending thoughts so I just go and DO. (Yes, yes I know I need to meditate. But also this writing is kind of my meditation.)

But I think what it is, is that sometimes the hardest part of success is owning it and accepting it. Of course I’m grateful for the cool things I get to do, and that Eric and I provide for our family in such fulfilling ways, but I don’t sit around thinking I’m successful. I mostly sit around thinking what more I need to be doing and all the things I haven’t done. I even wanted to go back and edit this paragraph because I don’t like calling this success. Is that what this is? Maybe it’s just progression or change.

Either way, it’s easy to get nostalgic and think, “I was doing things better then!” Or, “Man it was so easy and comfortable.” But if I’m honest with myself it wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t comfortable. I’m constantly doing things that are uncomfortable, and that is why I continue to grow. What I was doing was HARD in that moment, and it didn’t feel safe.

And so that’s what this is. This is what is feels like to stretch yourself. And even though the curtains are made of sequins, and it looks like a lot of fun, it doesn’t mean it isn’t uncomfortable and it isn’t hard. And the perspective I try to keep is, yes, it’s hard, but it’s not cancer, or world tragedy. But it is my life, and it’s good to process, to think, to write.

To acknowledge the feeling and then hopefully watch it pass by. RuPaul described this visual when she was talking about meditation (uh duh I listen to her Podcast). And I’m gonna rephrase it cause I love it, but it’s like this is the goal: I’m sitting on the bank of a river, watching my thoughts, saying hello to them but I’m not letting them control me or carry me away with them. So I sit, and watch them pass, politely and with love.

So that’s what I’m trying to do. Rather then letting the feeling of being a fraud, or not feeling safe carry me away, I’m just going to give them the bro head nod (you know, a quick lift of the chin) and then I can return to what I was doing and yes, GET ER DONE.

Sending you love through the screen.

xo
Alison

5 Comments

  1. Ashley 1 year ago

    Girrrrrl. From one thoughts swirler to another I TOTALLY get it. Overthinkers unite!

    Look at long stretches of time, not today or this week. How are feeling (on average) the past 3-6 months. That helps me. If its a downward trend then it’s time to make changes. Being an emotional person is HARD. So much thoughts and feelings.

    I LOVE what you are doing! I feel your pain. Thanks for putting it out there.

  2. Betsy 1 year ago

    Imposter syndrome. It’s a thing. And I’ve been there lately for sure. My family just moved into a beautiful neighborhood and house, and somehow I find myself wondering how long before they all realize I’m a fraud and I don’t deserve this. Hopefully it will pass quickly so I can just enjoy our new home 🙂

    • Author
      Alison Faulkner 1 year ago

      Yes! I’ve heard of it! Also I feel the same way about our new house!! haha!

  3. Rachael 1 year ago

    I love how real you are. There is no one I would rather see being “successful” than you! You go mama bear.

  4. Julie B 1 year ago

    I don’t get around to reading blogs much. Who has the time for that!?!? (; Anyways, whenever I read one of your posts, my insides say “YES! I get it, I’ve so been there, too!” I just ADORE your raw honesty at facing life and what you do in your life with both vulnerability and confidence all at the same time. That’s a talent in and of itself. You are a cup filler, at least for me. (I just reread that and thought of bra cups, but I MEAN my cup runneth over type thing-SHEESH!) ANYWAYS, you can’t be a fraud when you’re just being you. And as more people find out who you are and what you want to send out into the world they are loving it and THAT’S why you now have a fancy office with an intern. (: Just keep doing you, you can’t go wrong with all that love, creativity, and passion inside. And that my friend is as real as it gets. <3

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