Rad is 3 months old/I have no idea what I’m doing

Rad is 3 months old/I have no idea what I’m doing
August 2, 2013 Alison Faulkner

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Oh Mr. Rad! His smile is like a happy pill. If you smile at him he will smile at you within seconds. And when Radcliff smiles he smiles with his whole soul, his whole tiny body smiles. And it makes you feel SO GOOD. I can just tell he’s going to be such a sincere, sweet man. The type of person you find yourself opening up to and telling everything…and you’re not sure why.

I dare you not to fall in love.

rad-will-slay-you

Then I found this picture and had a total mom moment and just about died.

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But I’d like to also talk about me. Hahaha. So in a huge subject change…

Does it seem like I know what I’m doing? I mean like, other than taking care of these insane (well only one of them is insane…) children?

I want to assure all of you that I don’t. I seriously have no clue. And it has been causing me quite a bit of anxiety.

When it comes to being a mom, having a blog, being a wife, being a HUMAN. I have no idea what I’m doing.

I do all these things, I make mobiles, I write for other sites, I started a YouTube channel, I write for my own stuff, I make crafts for a Martha Stewart challenge (it does not pay), I return emails and collaborate. I just do ALL these things. And if you do those things it seems silly not to use social media outlets to promote them. But then you have to keep up with those! Don’t you? Oh yes, and I take care of two children.

So, it should really seem like I know what I’m doing, or at least what I’m working towards. But I don’t. Like I said, it has kind of been causing me a lot of anxiety lately. Ha. Nothing new.

Do you know what you’re doing?

What do you think I should do?

What do you do?

I wish I knew the end result but I just don’t. So I guess I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing, unless someone has any helpful suggestions?

And speaking of “doing what I’m doing” here’s what else I’ve been doing, (sigh):

I wrote about 10 pairs of awesome sunglasses and how they can make you look thinner! (I’m kind of reprehensible, but I have the best intentions…)

I wrote a response to Time Magazine’s “The Childfree Life” cover story.

I made like 5 crafts this week, 3 shirts, and continued planning a baby shower.

I had 300+ conversations with Ginger about Foofa, Tigger, and her other “friends” (rubber lizards, plastic horses, tiny lions, pieces of chalk, little books) and negotiations about them, their whereabouts and how many of them she can bring everywhere we go.

I cooed at baby Rad and felt a HIGH with each smile he gave me.

I watched the whole first season of Scandal.

I nursed Rad on the couch and checked my Instagram over and over.

I played the same level of Candy Crush probably 30-40 times.

I worked out, I ran, I ate a lot of fat free popcorn.

I said my prayers and read my scriptures (I do those things).

I gave some church service.

I did all this thikning if I just keep doing the things that should make me happy, I’ll be able to figure out what it is I’m doing.

And yet, I have NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.

What did you do?

xo,
Alison

Here are Mr. Rad’s 2 month photos

Here are Mr. Rad’s newborn photos

20 Comments

  1. Chelsie Sisterinlaw 4 years ago

    Hey girl. First of all, I am in LOVE with your children. Seriously, I want to kidnap them most of the time. Which is ok because we’re related, right? Right!
    And, I’m pretty certain only robots know exactly what they’re doing and what their purpose is all the time. Robots aren’t nearly as fabulous! The only thing I was absolutely sure about in my life was marrying Curt, and now I’m like “what’s next?!?” the rest of life just kind of happens. Hang in there! You’re amazing and awesome and lets hang out more.
    xoxo Chels

  2. Cara H 4 years ago

    OH MY GOSH so beautiful. SO BEAUTIFUL. I love the picture of the two kiddos together – so precious, made my heart melt. And I LOVE that you can tell he was kicking his sweet baby legs when you took the top picture! I love baby kicks!!!

  3. liz v. 4 years ago

    Read your response to the Time magazine article. I love you and you’re brilliant.

  4. Emily Boyle 4 years ago

    Ugh. Thank you, thank you, for admitting to checking your Instagram feed while breast feeding. I was starting to feel really guilty about it as a first time mom but, seriously, how else am I supposed to stay awake between the hours of 3 and 5?! It’s not even like people update then but I have nothing else to do with my eyes since staring at my newbie rhythmically noshing…does not help me stay awake.

    Also, I’ve been meaning to check out your blog for the longest time -started following you on Instagram first, duh – and I’m so glad I did. You’re an amazing Mama! So inspiring since I can’t even get my butt off the couch since giving birth. Keep it up, lady!

    Emily

  5. Adrian 4 years ago

    Read the article, then your response. Amazing to acknowledge that you have the right to change your definition of motherhood as you grow and evolve. I have 4 children who are also constantly growing and changing and I get to learn and evolve right along with them. I think embracing ourselves and embracing those around us who are beautiful amazing women full of love would change the world. Good read!

    • Author
      Alison Faulkner 4 years ago

      thank you so much! and i agree with you too!

  6. Rach 4 years ago

    Haha..rad is adorable (as is Gigi!). I agree with you about all of us as women being judged. I don’t have kids and I’m 38 so I get that disapproving look from a lot of people and that horrified “but what are you going to do when you’re old?..” line. And then I see all of my friends with kids feeling judged they aren’t the best all round most amazing do it all mother. I say lets just all support each other no matter who we are and what our situation is and recognise we are all just trying to be good people in our lives. You can do that with or without kids. You are an awesome mother Alison because you adore those kids to pieces. Who cares if you love candy crush on top of that 😉 xx

    • Author
      Alison Faulkner 4 years ago

      You can hang out with me when you’re old because we both know Gigi will NOT be taking care of me! Love your guts!

  7. Malorie 4 years ago

    I love your definition of a woman. If you are trying to do all those things, then the rest of your life kind of figures itself out. I mean, I’ve been stuck inside all week with two sick kids (and sick myself) feeding them ice cream for breakfast and lunch with a dessert of snack packs. It’s what they need (sore throats!), and I’m doing it with love. Also, as my family has grown I love reading blogs of moms with multiple kids. It makes me feel like I’m in a club of people who never know what they are doing, but in admitting that end up learning exactly what they need to know.

    • Author
      Alison Faulkner 4 years ago

      You’re doing great mama! I think it’s hard to realize while we’re in the trenches, ha, that the war is being fought…right?

  8. Jenny Williams 4 years ago

    Just wanted to send an air hug! I sure love your writing! You are so real! You tell it as you are, and it makes me giggle! I love watching Gigi grow big and oh, my goodness your little Rad is darling! I so agree with how you described his smiles! My Reese lights up our world with her little smiles!

    I read your article and loved it, and I loved how near the end you said something about reserving the right to change your definition as life goes on.

    So, you ask, Do you know what you are doing, well, sometimes I think I do, then I don’t. It is a scenerio that keeps changing! All I keep coming back to is that God knows me, and I need to rely more upon him. Because with him, NOTHING is impossible. Like being a mom, being a wife, having a child with special needs, watching that child pass away and dealing with that loss, receiving the blessing of a new baby, and hoping I don’t mess her up with all of the craziness that we Williams have to offer. BIG SMILE! The minute I think I’m all that, and get all cocky, which sometimes I view as confident, then I realize I’m nothing without God and back to my humility spot. So, I completely agree with your definition of a woman, Just someone who is loving! God wants us to love ourselves, and love others. And not judging and just “loving” is HUGE! Texans say YOU-J (you pronounce the word without the “H.”) Keep being amazing at all of your talents, being a great friend, mom, sister, and a fantastic crafter with SASS! You are inspiring others to fulfill their dreams! Lots of love with flavored water! JENNY

    • Author
      Alison Faulkner 4 years ago

      You are such an amazing woman and such an inspiration! Thank you so much. lots of love.

  9. Nicole Sichta 4 years ago

    One of the biggest reasons I love the Mormon church, even if I grew disenchanted with some of the beliefs (I’m a member, just to clarify!) is because I can’t think of any other society anywhere that reveres motherhood and stay at home moms more. When did that stop being good enough?? I have nothing but respect for women who know they don’t want children and have the strength to follow through on that rather than cave to the pressure. So long as they can respect that I can’t imagine doing anything else, and hold far too many Arrested Development marathons, and check instagram way too much (especially while nursing!), and I don’t feel that bad about any of it. I’m still trying to define myself as a woman, as a HUMAN separate from my children, and it ain’t easy!

    I love how real you are ; )

  10. Heidi 4 years ago

    I remember after having my second literally walking around in awe of all mothers asking myself, “How do they do it?” & seeing that loads of them survived so maybe I would too but I just wasn’t sure on the “hows” of that yet. I now have 3 & I’m still not quite sure what I’m doing but I feel a lot better about it!

  11. leah 4 years ago

    i LOVED your response to the time’s magazine article. your children are beautiful. i love that you have one that seems just as “spirited” as my own, and that you write about your love for your children, and your family. i love that when i read your blog i feel inspired by your constant push to make the world a bit better, and believe that every person who may come into contact with you is better for it. your crafts, mobiles, hilarious videos, witty and heartfelt writing… i am sure it hardly scratches the surface of what you really accomplish.

    you don’t know what you are doing?

    i am pretty sure you are doing a damn good job.

  12. Ashlie 4 years ago

    About110% of the time I have no clue what I’m doing as a mother. And it only seems to get worse as my kids get older, granted my oldest is only 5 so that theory has not been scientifically proven or anything. Sometimes I wonder if I don’t know what I’m doing because my own mom worked, so I never had an example of what a non working mom is supposed to look like. My motto most days is one I learned many years ago that has served me well, fake it till you make it. I think that Elder Holland’s conference talk about holding onto the faith you do have, explained the whole concept a bit more eloquently. Thanks for keeping it real!

  13. sarah 4 years ago

    i think that a sad reality of life is often, we are unable to really see ourselves the way we are. it is kind of crazy to me to read your post and think, wow she feels that way too? because from where i sit you are a super woman. you write beautifuly, create the most amazing things, rock a style that is all your own, and still post the most beautiful pictures on instagram. i look at my self and think i am a lame-o because i do work in an office, away from home. thank you for being so honest with your readers. i love your definition of womanhood and i agree. thank you for sharing your heart!

  14. Heidi 4 years ago

    The thought that came to mind while reading this post is that so many of us feel the same way. So many of us feel like we have no idea what we’re doing because with today’s means of communication we are constantly bombarded with advice. I think the best advice is to trust your gut. Do what feels right to you. If it feels like you’re doing way too much then let go of something that isn’t really benefitting you. In response to your question “what did you do,” I quit everything. Okay, I’m not saying you should, but it helped me so much to realize that life still goes on if I close up my (not very successful anyways) Etsy shop, quit my blog, and stop cleaning my house (I mean, at least not like I used to, no one notices anyways). In fact, I feel so much more relaxed and able to do what I really want to do, which is spending time with kiddos and making crafts and sewing clothes.
    Just do what you gotta do. Except you probably shouldn’t quit your blog because I would be kind of sad.

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