(Alison age 10, obviously it’s been all downhill since then…)
Am I the only one who has this thought? I have it pretty regularly. I’ll be looking at old pictures, reading old blog posts, sorting through old books I used to read, (I USED TO READ ACTUAL BOOKS?!) And I’ll think, “MAN! I was SOOOOO cool.” When did I stop being as cool?
And perhaps that makes me sound really full of myself, but I’m ok with that, because if you saw the things I was looking at you’d probably think, “Alison used to be REALLY cool!” too. This thought can also be interchanged with, “I used to dress better” or “I used to be funnier.” Also especially since having a baby I have the thought, “Oh man, I used to be SO MUCH SMARTER” a lot too.
But isn’t it interesting I rarely look back and think, “Man, I used to be SO UGLY!” or “Ugh, I used to be so boring.”
Which is why I guess I should cut myself a break presently, because in the future I’ll probably be less cool, and I’ll look back on 2013 and think, “Daaaaaammmmnnnn, Alison, you really had it going on.”
Which brings me to this: My blog used to consist entirely of essays. I’m sure many of you have not seen them, and I’d like to start sharing some of them again. There’s a good chance this will last for 2 weeks, as most of my series tend to do. But I’d like to share them on, let’s say Thursdays? Some are funny (or at least I think so) and some are “thoughtful.”
I shall post them under the series name, “I Used to be Cooler.” How are we feeling about this?
For my first installment I’d like to share a post I wrote at almost the EXACT same place I was in my pregnancy with Ginger. Currently I cannot stop talking about HOW HUGE I AM. No but really, I am very large. And if you say, “No your pictures on Instagram are SO CUTE!” Well, thank you, but do you know how many I made Eric take to get one where I look 20lbs smaller than I actually am? A LOT. It’s all a lie.
It’s called “She’s One Lucky Whale” and you can read the thing after the jump!
(originally written July, 30 2010)
A NOTE ON THE TONE OF THIS POST:
**This post, though perhaps seemingly written in my usual sardonic tone, is in fact entirely sincere. So watch out, and hang on til the end, cause I’m about to get mushy. Like real, real mushy.**
When my back hurts so badly I cannot sit or stand for more than 30 minute intervals…it’s hard to remember that I’m lucky to be pregnant.
When I have to wake up no less than four, no exaggeration, four times a night to use the bathroom, and then have to pee again immediately after pulling my pants back on…it’s hard to remember that I’m blessed to be pregnant.
When the numbers on my scale reach numbers that no 5’5″ woman’s scale should ever have to see, and I try my best to eat healthy but still for some reason, can’t help but feel entitled to multiple desserts a day…it’s hard to remember that I’m in fact very fortunate to be pregnant.
And when someone asks me, “WOW! Are you sure you don’t have twins in there?” And I reply, “Yeah, they just keep telling me there’s just the one baby in there…” and they respond with, “Well, as long as the doctors say you’re healthy…” IT’S ESPECIALLY HARD to remember that I’m lucky to be pregnant.
I’ve been struggling lately with the reality that even though I’m now in my third trimester of pregnancy, I still have to (GET TO…) be pregnant for another two and a half months. I’ve been a little depressed, anxious and self-conscious about my constantly expanding body, and the fact that I have no idea how to be a mom, live MY LIFE as a mom, or take care of the small wiggling lady who is constantly kicking me, once she breaks out of my body.
But today, honestly MINUTES after hanging up the phone with my sister, who I called to vent to because yet ANOTHER person had asked me, “So is there one baby in there…or two?” (HOW COMMON DO PEOPLE THINK TWINS ARE ANYWAY?!) I walked back in to work and bumped into a sweet girl that I see every once in a while around the building. She looked at me and said, “Oh! You look so cute!” And I said, “THANK YOU!” And then thought, “Finally someone who knows the only thing a pregnant lady wants to hear!”
A few minutes later, after returning to my desk, I got an email from her saying again how cute she thinks my belly is, and that she tries hard to not get jealous of big bellies like mine, because she is having a hard time getting pregnant, and that one day, she hopes she is lucky enough to have a belly of her own.
The email was very sweet and very sincere. She was in no way asking for sympathy, or lecturing me to remember how lucky I am. It was the nicest email in the world.
CUE WATERWORKS HERE.
I did all could not to run (waddle) upstairs to her desk and shower her with tears of gratitude.
Isn’t it funny how God knows exactly what we need?
Because exactly what I needed, was a reminder of how lucky I am to be pregnant. And I really feel like she was maybe the only person who could do it, remind me exactly the way I needed to be reminded, at that moment.
The first four months of pregnancy, I cried all the time because I felt so fortunate to be given the opportunity to have a baby. But after a while, the sickness, the peeing, the muscle pains, and all the body image issues that resurface after years of being dormant, truly make it hard to remember how blessed us fat ladies are.
I wrote her back and told her that she was inspired, and that even though I sometimes felt like a whale, it was good to remember that I’m one very very lucky whale.
I wish I had more to blog about then pregnancy, but it’s pretty all consuming. However, instead of complaining (which I know I still did in a roundabout way!) and making jokes about all the “joys” of pregnancy, I wanted to sincerely express how overwhelmed with love and gratitude I am for the healthy baby in my belly. And the supportive husband I have who is just as excited for her arrival, if not more so, than me.
So for those of you who struggle getting one of those babies in your belly, I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. And I promise to try to be better, and not to forget how unbelievably lucky I am.
I wanted to write these feelings down and share them, not to ask for reassurance from people that, “I’m a cute pregnant lady” or that “my feelings are normal” but because I wanted to make sure you all know how thankful I am to be pregnant. I know I joke a lot, and love to focus on the ridiculous aspects of giving life, but I am capable of focusing on the miraculous aspects as well.
So if you’re a mom, I have more respect for you, if you’re a mother-in-waiting, I’m praying for you, and if you’re a man, well I hope you’re not drowning in my overflowing sea of emotion and hormones.
Love and kisses,
one very lucky whale