I’m having a boy: i thought he was a girl




I’m laughing, but I’m also in all reality hyperventilating.

As you may or may not know, I am a VERY anxious person. I have a lot of anxiety, I’m medicated for anxiety. And my anxiety is probably a big part of why I get crap done.

And for some inexplicable reason I had so much anxiety before our ultrasound that I couldn’t sleep the night before and I could hardly get out of the car when we pulled up to the appointment. I HATE the unknown. Things I cannot control. AH! It’s the worst. But I was trying to stay in good spirits. Baby discovery day should be a happy day! And so I slumped out of the car, making jokes about my anxiety, as Eric laughed hysterically and took a series of pictures of me walking very shakily into the midwives clinic.

And then we found out I’m having a boy.

It’s not that I don’t like boys…it’s just that I was 200% positive no, 2000% positive, that the baby in my belly was a girl. I’ve thought this baby would be a girl even before Gigi was born.

Because to be very honest, I wasn’t even really 100% sure I was ready for another baby, but I felt like it was time, so I acted on faith (GOD TRICKED ME!) and then I got pregnant so fast there was no going back. And so to keep me going through the weeks of nausea and the sleepless nights filled with panic I thought, “Well this baby must be a sister for Gigi, so she can have a sister like I have.” And that was what kept me going. “Gigi needs her sister, I’m doing this for her.”

I imagined exactly what I had, my daughter would have. As we tend to do, right? A sister who could be her best friend, her sounding board, her other half. The source of her biggest frustrations, and the source of some of her most pure joys–like my sister is for me. I honestly cannot imagine life, or myself without my sister. We are so close in age, so similar in so many ways, and yet, polar opposites. Who I am, what kind of friend I am, what kind of mother I am, what kind of woman I am, can partially be explained by my relationship with my sister.

I have three brothers, I LOVE my brothers, I adore my brothers. But it’s just different with your sister. And yes, if I have more children she COULD have a sister. But it will be a while, TRUST ME. And my sister and I are 18 months apart, and that closeness is part of the relationship.

And so, when the ultrasound technician announced, “Oh it’s DEFINITELY a BOY!” I covered my face and said, “Oooooooohhhhh crap.” Which is actually pretty good for me because I tend use real swear words loudly under pressure. But I didn’t. I didn’t start crying, I didn’t throw a fit. I just sat there in shock. Then we left. And then I got sad.

And I couldn’t believe that I was ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. Those people who get upset about a BABY! I mean, a baby for heaven’s sake. It’s still a little early to check the health of the baby, but so far the baby had two legs and two arms. Those are good signs, right?! How could I be unhappy about something I should be beyond grateful for? Something so many of my close friends and loved ones are trying desperately to have. I felt selfish and horrible, and small.

But I couldn’t help it. I was devastated. I was so sure it was a sister for Gigi. How did that little devil sneak in there?! (Ok, ok, I know the logistics)

I’ll admit, I cried a few times. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t just get over it. Eric took me to some stores to find cute boy things to cheer me up. BAD IDEA! There are totally cute things for boys 2 years and up, but it is really hard to find things in a style I like for infants. Unfortunately I’m not big on monkeys. And compared to the girl clothes…don’t try it.

But then Eric took me to Breaking Dawn Part 2 while my in-laws watched Gigi, and I cheered up! Boys are so cute and fun! They can be werwolves and vampires! But then later that night, I cried silently in my pillow. What would Gigi do without her sister?

But with each day I’m coming around to my little man more and more. And the shock is wearing off.

I know I’ll love him, OF COURSE HE WILL BE ADORABLE! And so many people have said such wonderfully supportive things about having little boys.

Please understand I am humbled and in awe that for whatever reason I have been trusted to be a parent, AGAIN. I don’t understand why I get to have a baby while so many people who want one can’t have one. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It breaks my heart. And I don’t want to sound ungrateful. Because I know how lucky I am.

But for whatever reason I felt compelled to share. Perhaps because I love hearing the insight of moms with little boys, or people who maybe had similar feelings.

So yes, I’m having a boy. And I am excited. But like I said, I hate the unknown. And a penis floating around in my stomach is definitely the unknown.

But from a crafting standpoint my brain is already SWIMMING with things I need to make for my little man. Haha, so it has been a spark creatively for sure!

Oh babies. Oh boys.

I love you all! Thanks for listening.

xo,
Alison

Comments

  1. Kimmy:

    Don’t worry-when we switched from having a boy to hearin out little man was really a girl I bawled. It aounds sonlame but I seriously grieved my little boy-I felt like I lost a baby. Dramatic, I know. Your little man will be ao fly and Gigi will teach him how to be the perfect boyfriend. When I came home I realized it is the best kind of dissapointing news you can get!! Can’t wait to meet him and don’t worry-he can totally marry our little one…see, it’s perfect!

  2. This is a beautiful post. I’m glad your wrote it. Xo, hearher

  3. AJ:

    I thought for sure both my boys were girls. I was a little bit sad to not get all the cute clothes but with this second one I was just relieved. I know what I am doing with a boy and having a teenage girl possibly turning out like me makes me shake in my boots.
    I love having boys, technically I only have one or maybe one and a half. Aaker is sort of a one trick pony, he is obsessed with cars. He would rather play cars then go outside. I can do cars! I mainly just lay on the ground and roll the same car back and forth while I instagram. ;) Right now Aaker is super loving and super funny and a little mouthy. Boys say and do really funny things. Aaker was pretending to eat various items the other day and then grabbed his manhood, proceeded to cup his hands to his mouth and said, “eat penis. Nom nom nom.” can a girl say that? ;)
    You will figure it out. You will love having a boy. Give it time.
    Also, when you have sex now you will have two penis’ in ya! Delete this comment now!

    • I LOVE the idea of a child happily playing while I gram…THIS does not happen at our house!

  4. I had my boy first, but I had a very similar reaction. Having a boy scared me to death! But I gotta tell you, my son is every bit the emotional creature my daughter is. Even more so. He’s cuddly and loving and he does things to my mommy heart that I would never have expected. You’ll be shocked at how different it is, but how many awesome things there are about raising a little man to be the right kind of man.

  5. Lindsay:

    I feel the exact same way if I were to have a girl!!!! They terrify me. You will love having a boy , and guess what? boys love crafts and pony cookies too. Well at least Ollie and Rune do….

  6. Oh my gosh, boys are the BEST! I swear. You will see. The very best.

    Also, brothers. Awesome. I have a brother 3 years younger than me and we’ve always been BFFs.

    Seriously, I can not rave enough about boys. The best!!!!

  7. “What is Gigi going to do without her sister?” Girl, stop making me cry over here. I know you know it, but before the little devil can talk you will be saying, “What would Gigi have done without her brother?” And besides, with a mom like you (!!!!) little Ginger Pie didn’t need her Andrea….at least not yet. Love you, girlie.

  8. amy:

    yeay!!!! and virtual hug :) isn’t it great how breaking dawn can heal most any pain in the world? it’s that glittery vampire skin… it is so awesome to hear honest reactions to the big gender reveal. when my niece found out she was having her third brother she cried for days (because sisters are the best and she really wanted one) but now she really loves him. there is hope!

  9. Emily:

    I’m always happy when someone great has a boy because it means that boy is going to grow up to be a very good man. And we need more good men Ali. He is going to be the best baby boy on the block.

  10. Boys are fun, mine is in full Santa costume and says “HO, HO, HO” everywhere he goes. I had to switch his character from Halloween skeleton to fit the season.

  11. Erica:

    Oh thank you for being real about your feelings and posting this!!! I had my 2nd boy two months ago. I was deviatated at the ultra sound to find out I was having another boy, to the point that when my doctor walked in she double checked the ultra sound results to making sure everything was ok with the baby. I felt so stupid being so histarical over the sex of my babe…but two boys is NOT what I pictured!!! I too swore I was having a girl to the point I had already bought stuff in pink. I actually struggled my whole pregnancy trying to accept that I was having a boy. But the second they laid him on me I loved him and it sounds weird but I loved that he was a boy! Boys really are pretty cool and now I’m worried if I can parent a girl! My two year old is less dramatic than his girlfriends, he’s rough and tough, funny, protective, crazy and awesome. I think in the end you will love having a boy! Sorry for the lengthy comment but I could totally relate to your words today! And I can’t wait to see hiw you style and craft for your boy because there isn’t jack out there right now. Congrats on your BOY!

    • Thank you! And we should all hope and pray this one is less dramatic than his sister! haha

  12. I just wanted to say I’VE SO BEEN THERE! I was totally convinced my second was a boy and was so excited to give my Lulu a sister…and then there he was. I was terrified! How do you raise a boy? Everyone who has boys told me how awesome they are, but I was all “GIRL POWER!” and “SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!” Turns out, my little man is pretty darn charming, and although he can annoy the poo out of his sister, she adores him. Watch a couple episodes of Max and Ruby, it will help you get excited :) Good luck!

  13. I suppose I don’t know any different, but I can admit I was a little bit disappointed when I found out I was having a boy. I love making bows and things and could hardly wait for all the cute girly things. But I loved the thought of preparing for a boy. And now that he’s here, I love having a boy! I feel like he’s going to be more low-maintenance haha. Also, Old Navy has great infant boy clothes for great prices, and there is a minimum of monkeys. I love their striped onesies!

  14. Aawwhh – it’s hard to face the unknown. I grew up with two sisters, I had no idea how to deal with boys. I had a girl first – yayyy and 18 months later I had a boy and I am smitten. He is a charmer and he loves his mommy and he adores his sister, and he’s going to pass her in height so fast and will probably be the handsomest and sweetest boy in his class. Girl and boy, it’s the best.

  15. Camille:

    I’ve been there! (kind of) I had 3 girls, love them to pieces, and pregnancy #4 was a boy, I knew it, was so sure I didn’t even need to go to the ultrasound,was preparing myself for legos and circumcisions. You’d think I know what a girl in an ultrasound looks like, but the tech had to show me over and over. And then I had like 5 more ultrasounds. All girl. So much for mommy instincts, right? He’ll be a blast, not that I know anything about it, but so people tell me :)

  16. Rach:

    Oh, I love that you wrote this.

    I didn’t really have any expectations when I had Henry, but I’m definitely more of a girly person, and dreaded the prospect of kicking footballs and climbing things. Getting dirty, you know. All that stuff. Not my thing. I like skirts.

    But boys are FUN. He runs around like a cannonball shouting ‘CAR’ at the top of his voice. He never does anything unless there’s a 90% chance it’ll be dangerous. He’s always making himself laugh and pulling ridiculous faces. Clothes-wise, I found some brilliant non-blue infant stuff in Gap and Next, and now he’s into chunky jumpers with patches on the elbows. I love it.

    Gigi will love that little boy to his bones. It will all be fine. Just keep going till then. xx

  17. naomi:

    YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!

  18. Chelsea Stewart:

    I secretly wished Liam was a girl when I found out I was pregnant with him. I wanted Ella to have a sister, but mostly I didn’t want to have to buy all new stuff. (Everything we own is pink and girly.) But so far he doesn’t mind chewing on pink toys and being wrapped in pink towels and I wouldn’t trade my little guy for any girl in the world. They will be close as siblings in a different way. She will look out for him, and when they’re older, he’ll be her little protector. I still get out her little dresses now and then, but there’s cute boy stuff too. Little baby flannels, cardigans with elbow patches and bow ties and I am dying at the cuteness. Give it some time to sink in. I was worried I couldn’t love another baby like I love my first. But it’s amazing how your heart just grows bigger. It will come. And I appreciate the newborn phase more this time because it’s less of a confusing blur. Think about who he is right now as a spirit waiting to come here and be with you guys, so excited to be next in line, and that will definitely make you smile! Good luck with the pregnancy!

    • Haha! Mostly in my butt and boobs for now! but the HUGE tummy is right around the corner! Thank you!

  19. It’s refreshing to read such an honest reaction. Having a baby is probably the most complex experience a woman can have ever, and it’s completely normal to feel like that. I did have a very similar reaction, I always “knew” I was having a girl, since I was a teenager I pictured myself having girls (as I am a very girly person), it never crossed my mind or even considered to have a boy, guess what? Ultrasound day: “you are having a boy”. I tried to make my tears look like “happy” ones, when the true is that I was very disappointed. How this happened??? I suppose to have a girl! I have a twin sister, and as you said, she is my best friend, so I thought my story will be repeated. So I spent a day or too being very unhappy…
    But let me tell you something, boys are THE BEST, I cannot think having a girl now, he is one year old now, he is cheeky, adorable, caring, crazy and compare with all my other friends with similar age babies (all girls) he is the best! I love him so much, and believe me there’s plenty of amazing cute things for boys out there, I made lots myself too! so a big hug and I’m almost certain you will love him more than the universe and all these feelings will something to laugh about soon xx

    • Haha I LOVE trying to make the tears look like happy ones! thanks for your thoughts!

  20. I just found out I’m having a little girl. While I AM excited to have a daughter, it feels SO WEIRD. I love little boys. I love their loud noises and messes- the way my son was born knowing how to make airplane sounds and he jumps off the couch 50million times a day. I wanted more of them- I imagined him teaching a baby brother how to jump and run, and they’d get into all sorts of mischief together and would make me want to tear my hair out, but instead I would kiss theirs sticky little faces.
    But no brother, a sister instead. A sister to teach and protect and love. That can be fun too, right?

    • Yes! Girls are so wonderful, but you’ll probably be glad to have your sweet boy! haha, but it’s that brother combo that’s hard to give up!

  21. i cried IN THE ULTRASOUND when i found out my first baby was a boy. the tech thought i was nuts, but like you i just couldn’t fathom the idea of a boy. but now that he is 2 i am honestly so SO so happy i have a boy. i’m proud that this girly-girl (me) is cool enough to play trucks and trains all day, i love having a sweet little boy who loves his mama, and i love that i get to have girl time while the boys go out and bond or whatever it is they do at home depot.

    and i sooo hear ya on the boy clothes. cute stuff is out there, you just have to hunt! go to h&m baby, you’ll feel much better. congrats!

    • thank you! H & M does have some cute stuff…if I admit it! ha

  22. Congratulations! Your honestly is refreshing and you’re only human!! We feel disappointed sometimes, and then guilty for being disappointed. But you’re going to have an amazing little boy when all is said and done, and your daughter will have a great little buddy! All the best! xo

  23. Tara:

    Hi! I have two boys….so I can advise on girls….other than being one….having boys is amazing! They are so cool and so fun and love their mommies always. The snuggles are the greatest! There is not much mystery to the penis. Do not stress. You will be amazed at how close you are to him and how he steals your heart. Good luck! Enjoy every minute.

  24. Sarah:

    So it seems like there are people who have boys and know they are awesome, and people who have girls and are scared of having boys even though they are surely awesome. I fall into the second camp, just like you. It’s okay that you felt rocked by the news. As soon as you can make the mental shift you’ll be all over it and things will be good. Love your guts!

  25. Thank you for sharing! I am still in the first trimester and I’m stressing about finding out the gender because I’m afraid that I will be disappointed at the result! I’m glad I’m not the only one…

  26. My brother is 16 months younger than me. We used to fight all the time when we were younger, but as we’ve grown up, he has become my best friend. We work on projects together, send each other stupid youtube videos, have weird inside jokes, and he knows exactly how to handle me when my hormones get insane and I get weepy. It’s only the two of us, and sometimes I do wish I had a sister in the mix, but then I realize I have women in my life who are just like sisters, and it’s fine. I don’t know if that helped at all, but there’s at least one sister-brother success story! Also– amen, sister– you are completely justified in fearing the unknown.

    • Thank you so much! I love that you and your brother are so close. And SO close in age! Your mom is amazing!

  27. I totally understand. I totally thought I was having a boy the first time I was pregnant. I always wanted an older brother so I was so hoping to have a boy first. We had the ultrasound and it was a girl. I was definitely bummed and felt bad for being bummed, but I warmed up to the idea and am so glad I had my kooky girl first. Now she has a little brother and I know it’ll be perfect for them. I only had 1 sister and so it is so foreign to me for my girl not to experience that, but her and her brother will have their own fun little relationship and dynamics. Congratulations on your boy! So far I LOVE having a girl and boy. I’m not sure what the age gap is for your kids, but mine are 22 months apart and they adore each other. It will be fun for them even if it isn’t what you experienced. And you’re normal having emotions like that. We can’t all be perfectly excited no matter what we’re having. And any tiny bit of disappointment will be forgotten when he enters the world. Little boys are the best. :)

  28. As far as baby boy clothes- I hated all the little cartoony things they have everywhere. I stocked up on basics from 77kids (which is going out of business so everything is on sale. Check it out!), tons of H&M, Baby GAP and American Apparel. And I got a few fun onesies from etsy shops at the Renegade Craft Fairs too. It takes more effort to find cute baby boy things, but it’s doable! Groupon has a $50 for $100 coupon you can buy for American Apparel right now. Snatch thing up and get some clothes for your little man. In particular, the baby thermal leggings are so cute on chunky boy legs with any of their cardigans. Also check out thread less.com for funky artsy onesies. Those are all of my baby boy clothes secrets. :) I was worried about finding cute baby boy stuff but ended up loving the stuff I got for my boy.

    • Oh my gosh! Best tips ever! I’ve been OOGLING all the AA stuff and threadless is such a good idea! Thank you!

  29. awwwwww….that means, bow ties!!!! I’m always amazed that the plan that I had for my life and what I thought was perfect is so easily dashed/trashed and then made into something that I had never imagined. Brilliant, beautiful, heart-opening things are ahead!

  30. With both my pregnancies I found that despite the fact that the gender didn’t matter to me, I grieved a little after finding out. Before you know, you have the possibility of both. And once you know, you have to let the other one go.
    Also I think this might just be a testament to how much you adore your little girl. When that first baby seems so perfect and special, it’s only natural you’d want to recreate that exactly.

    • I think that’s so true! You genius you. It’s like after I got married, I wasn’t sad to be MARRIED, but just sad to miss the unknown. But then you throw kids in the mix…oh man! lov e you

  31. I understand how you feel. I’m really touched by the words you have for people who are trying to get pregnant. (ie: Me! And being surrounded by 5 of my best friends, who all got pregnant this year while i’m still just “trying”… sigh)
    It is so touching, to be acknowledged. Really. All i hear lately is pregnancy complaints, how miserable it is, how hard it is, ect. All i want is to scream SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! You wanted this, and you should be grateful. Im sure you will be reassured when you see him. And just comfort yourself, I think it’s normal how you feel. We all have pre-conceptions, and reality can be a shock.
    And… it happened to me often that I cannot find something i like.. I have to make it.
    Start crafting and sewing, your hipster will look just great. :)

    • Thank you so much for sharing. I hope with all my heart you get a baby soon! Until then your art is amazing! Let’s get it on some onesies! xo

  32. Emily:

    I just found out I’m having my THIRD boy. While I was a tiny bit disappointed (hello, I’ve been eyeing those girl clothes for 6.5 years) I must admit, I LOVE having boys. They’re fun and tough and sensitive and sweet to their mama in only a way a boy can. I’ve been freezer paper stenciling and painting clever quotes on my boy’s blank Walmart shirts since the beginning, so I say craft it up, because what the world needs is one less child wearing a shirt with Lightning McQueen or a puppy on the front. Congrats, your boy is going to be wickedly stylish and probably insanely calm and serene. Now I’m off to make Hammer pants because of your Instagram this morning. Love you long time!

  33. this reminds me a little of how i felt when i found out i was pregnant the first time. i totally cried (it was a surprise) and was scared and even angry for a little while. of course it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, but because those negative feelings revolved around a tiny little baby (which is such a blessing!) i also felt guilty on top of everything else. so, i guess i wanted to say congrats! and also, don’t feel guilty for feeling how you are feeling. gigi will love having a sibling, boy or girl!

  34. Yvette:

    My little boy just turned one. I want another boy… Let me tell you, you will absolutely fall in love with him. Don’t worry. Accept your surprise and move on :)

  35. Rach:

    Oh Alison! He will be tops I am sure. And I will let you in on a secret – my brother and I are way closer than my sister and I. In fact my sister and I don’t get along much at all! Gigi could have the same relationship you have with your sister but with her brother and yes, my brother goes shopping and to coffee and he gossips like a girl too ;) xx

  36. Jessica:

    Siblings close in age have a special bond no matter the gender. Now you’ll have a little princess and a little prince. Your the best!

  37. I so know how you feel friend. With my son everyone was so sure he was a girl, and that’s just how I wanted it. I felt disappointed to know that I was having a boy. But you know what, boys sure do love their mamas! Just found your blog via instagram and I can already tell it’s gonna be my new favorite!!

  38. Jenny:

    Hi cousin. So you know how you fell in love with your husband . . . well just get ready to fall in love all over again. He will be your new little boy friend. What’s wrong with having a little darling squishy lovable soft cuddly (yes yes) baby boy friend. I can’t wait to talk to you when you can’t stop kissing his little face off. And yes, husband might get a bit jealous.

  39. j:

    I’m sorry that you were disappointed at your appointment. I’m not trying to be mean or negative, but I think that people tend to forget that these babies are human beings, being born to fulfill their own personal mission on earth. I realize that people tend to want one or the other, but really… they are a person. They are not a doll to dress up. It’s an honor to be send another human to care for and raise so that they can be WHO THEY ARE. I wish that more moms had this attitude than wanting a little girl dolly to dress up…

  40. Pernel Martin:

    So I was thinking…what if Gigi didn’t want a sister?? I sure as heck didn’t want a sister. Having 3 brothers, I relished in being the only girl. I specifically remember telling my parents (after they had Joe) not to have any more kids, because they might have a girl. To this day I’m glad I only had brothers! I know I told you this before, but I had the best time growing up with brothers (Sam, Joe & I were all 18 mos apart). They were and are my best friends. You obviously want a sister because of your experience and I didn’t want a sister because of my experience..the good news is that Gigi will probably want what she had growing up because it was HER experience! I knew I would be disappointed if I found out I was having a boy OR a girl because in reality all I wanted was boy/girl twins. Setting my hopes too high? Love you & your little fam:)…p.s. go to patagonia.com to check out cute baby boy threads…puffy vest? yes, please.

  41. alix:

    Penis in stomach!!! HAHAHAHA! That made my week.
    First off, we go to the same midwives. I love Jen Walker…I’m sure I knew her before this life.
    Second, go to H&M. This is where your fear of monkey/truck/tiger-covered boy close will go to die. H&M has the BEST baby boy clothes out there. Promise.
    I adore you!

    • They are all so great! Right? I love them all and Claudia is my cup of tea. So sassy!

  42. Hi Alison — we briefly met at Camp Mighty and I totally didn’t know you were pregnant (you look good, girl!); so first, CONGRATULATIONS! And second, oh how I love my little boy. There is nothing like the relationship between a boy and his mama. As much as I hope to have a daughter one day, the thought of not having another little boy to love is devastating to me. And you get one of both, so high five!

  43. hey! just been scrolling through your blog…i’m new here, but follow you on instagram!
    loved this post! i hear ya! my third (technically 4th) was a boy, and the whole time i thought he was a girl…yep. no ultrasound, at home birth and still assumed he was a girl. even bought girl clothes the night before he was born too. then my newest addition…same thing, another boy! good laughs good times. and i hear ya on the baby boy clothes. but i do like monkeys. you’ll still have fun, so different, less drama.

  44. sara:

    the penis floating around in your stomach reaaaaaally got me. you crack me up.

    thank you for writing this. i appreciate your honesty more than you know. you help people not feel as ostracized via your words. so thank. you.

  45. Angela:

    Ha!!! I seriously could have written every word of this post myself. Just went through all this (am still going through it) as I just found out last week our 2nd is a boy…and I was so sure it was sister for my little one! Thanks for sharing. You are not alone. :)

  46. Crystal Grissam:

    I have 3 boys and they are wonderful! Im currently expecting baby #4 and this will be our last. I am so scared to find out the gender because I fear that my dreams of having a little girl will be over and I will end up with another energetic little boy. Hoping for some pink in my life!

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