I’m laughing, but I’m also in all reality hyperventilating.
As you may or may not know, I am a VERY anxious person. I have a lot of anxiety, I’m medicated for anxiety. And my anxiety is probably a big part of why I get crap done.
And for some inexplicable reason I had so much anxiety before our ultrasound that I couldn’t sleep the night before and I could hardly get out of the car when we pulled up to the appointment. I HATE the unknown. Things I cannot control. AH! It’s the worst. But I was trying to stay in good spirits. Baby discovery day should be a happy day! And so I slumped out of the car, making jokes about my anxiety, as Eric laughed hysterically and took a series of pictures of me walking very shakily into the midwives clinic.
And then we found out I’m having a boy.
It’s not that I don’t like boys…it’s just that I was 200% positive no, 2000% positive, that the baby in my belly was a girl. I’ve thought this baby would be a girl even before Gigi was born.
Because to be very honest, I wasn’t even really 100% sure I was ready for another baby, but I felt like it was time, so I acted on faith (GOD TRICKED ME!) and then I got pregnant so fast there was no going back. And so to keep me going through the weeks of nausea and the sleepless nights filled with panic I thought, “Well this baby must be a sister for Gigi, so she can have a sister like I have.” And that was what kept me going. “Gigi needs her sister, I’m doing this for her.”
I imagined exactly what I had, my daughter would have. As we tend to do, right? A sister who could be her best friend, her sounding board, her other half. The source of her biggest frustrations, and the source of some of her most pure joys–like my sister is for me. I honestly cannot imagine life, or myself without my sister. We are so close in age, so similar in so many ways, and yet, polar opposites. Who I am, what kind of friend I am, what kind of mother I am, what kind of woman I am, can partially be explained by my relationship with my sister.
I have three brothers, I LOVE my brothers, I adore my brothers. But it’s just different with your sister. And yes, if I have more children she COULD have a sister. But it will be a while, TRUST ME. And my sister and I are 18 months apart, and that closeness is part of the relationship.
And so, when the ultrasound technician announced, “Oh it’s DEFINITELY a BOY!” I covered my face and said, “Oooooooohhhhh crap.” Which is actually pretty good for me because I tend use real swear words loudly under pressure. But I didn’t. I didn’t start crying, I didn’t throw a fit. I just sat there in shock. Then we left. And then I got sad.
And I couldn’t believe that I was ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. Those people who get upset about a BABY! I mean, a baby for heaven’s sake. It’s still a little early to check the health of the baby, but so far the baby had two legs and two arms. Those are good signs, right?! How could I be unhappy about something I should be beyond grateful for? Something so many of my close friends and loved ones are trying desperately to have. I felt selfish and horrible, and small.
But I couldn’t help it. I was devastated. I was so sure it was a sister for Gigi. How did that little devil sneak in there?! (Ok, ok, I know the logistics)
I’ll admit, I cried a few times. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t just get over it. Eric took me to some stores to find cute boy things to cheer me up. BAD IDEA! There are totally cute things for boys 2 years and up, but it is really hard to find things in a style I like for infants. Unfortunately I’m not big on monkeys. And compared to the girl clothes…don’t try it.
But then Eric took me to Breaking Dawn Part 2 while my in-laws watched Gigi, and I cheered up! Boys are so cute and fun! They can be werwolves and vampires! But then later that night, I cried silently in my pillow. What would Gigi do without her sister?
But with each day I’m coming around to my little man more and more. And the shock is wearing off.
I know I’ll love him, OF COURSE HE WILL BE ADORABLE! And so many people have said such wonderfully supportive things about having little boys.
Please understand I am humbled and in awe that for whatever reason I have been trusted to be a parent, AGAIN. I don’t understand why I get to have a baby while so many people who want one can’t have one. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It breaks my heart. And I don’t want to sound ungrateful. Because I know how lucky I am.
But for whatever reason I felt compelled to share. Perhaps because I love hearing the insight of moms with little boys, or people who maybe had similar feelings.
So yes, I’m having a boy. And I am excited. But like I said, I hate the unknown. And a penis floating around in my stomach is definitely the unknown.
But from a crafting standpoint my brain is already SWIMMING with things I need to make for my little man. Haha, so it has been a spark creatively for sure!
Oh babies. Oh boys.
I love you all! Thanks for listening.