She’s one lucky whale.

A NOTE ON THE TONE OF THIS POST:

**This post, though perhaps seemingly written in my usual sardonic tone, is in fact entirely sincere. So watch out, and hang on til the end, cause I’m about to get mushy. Like real, real mushy.**

When my back hurts so badly I cannot sit or stand for more than 30 minute intervals…it’s hard to remember that I’m lucky to be pregnant.

When I have to wake up no less than four, no exaggeration, four times a night to use the bathroom, and then have to pee again immediately after pulling my pants back on…it’s hard to remember that I’m blessed to be pregnant.

When the numbers on my scale reach numbers that no 5’5″ woman’s scale should ever have to see, and I try my best to eat healthy but still for some reason, can’t help but feel entitled to multiple desserts a day…it’s hard to remember that I’m in fact very fortunate to be pregnant.

And when someone asks me, “WOW! Are you sure you don’t have twins in there?” And I reply, “Yeah, they just keep telling me there’s just the one baby in there…” and they respond with, “Well, as long as the doctors say you’re healthy…” IT’S ESPECIALLY HARD to remember that I’m lucky to be pregnant.

I’ve been struggling lately with the reality that even though I’m now in my third trimester of pregnancy, I still have to (GET TO…) be pregnant for another two and a half months. I’ve been a little depressed, anxious and self-conscious about my constantly expanding body, and the fact that I have no idea how to be a mom, live MY LIFE as a mom, or take care of the small wiggling lady who is constantly kicking me, once she breaks out of my body.

But today, honestly MINUTES after hanging up the phone with my sister, who I called to vent to because yet ANOTHER person had asked me, “So is there one baby in there…or two?” (HOW COMMON DO PEOPLE THINK TWINS ARE ANYWAY?!) I walked back in to work and bumped into a sweet girl that I see every once in a while around the building. She looked at me and said, “Oh! You look so cute!” And I said, “THANK YOU!” And then thought, “Finally someone who knows the only thing a pregnant lady wants to hear!”

A few minutes later, after returning to my desk, I got an email from her saying again how cute she thinks my belly is, and that she tries hard to not get jealous of big bellies like mine, because she is having a hard time getting pregnant, and that one day, she hopes she is lucky enough to have a belly of her own.

The email was very sweet and very sincere. She was in no way asking for sympathy, or lecturing me to remember how lucky I am. It was the nicest email in the world.

CUE WATERWORKS HERE.

I did all could not to run (waddle) upstairs to her desk and shower her with tears of gratitude.

Isn’t it funny how God knows exactly what we need?

Because exactly what I needed, was a reminder of how lucky I am to be pregnant. And I really feel like she was maybe the only person who could do it, remind me exactly the way I needed to be reminded, at that moment.

The first four months of pregnancy, I cried all the time because I felt so fortunate to be given the opportunity to have a baby. But after a while, the sickness, the peeing, the muscle pains, and all the body image issues that resurface after years of being dormant, truly make it hard to remember how blessed us fat ladies are.

I wrote her back and told her that she was inspired, and that even though I sometimes felt like a whale, it was good to remember that I’m one very very lucky whale.

I wish I had more to blog about then pregnancy, but it’s pretty all consuming. However, instead of complaining (which I know I still did in a roundabout way!) and making jokes about all the “joys” of pregnancy, I wanted to sincerely express how overwhelmed with love and gratitude I am for the healthy baby in my belly. And the supportive husband I have who is just as excited for her arrival, if not more so, than me.

So for those of you who struggle getting one of those babies in your belly, I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. And I promise to try to be better, and not to forget how unbelievably lucky I am.

I wanted to write these feelings down and share them, not to ask for reassurance from people that, “I’m a cute pregnant lady” or that “my feelings are normal” but because I wanted to make sure you all know how thankful I am to be pregnant. I know I joke a lot, and love to focus on the ridiculous aspects of giving life, but I am capable of focusing on the miraculous aspects as well.

So if you’re a mom, I have more respect for you, if you’re a mother-in-waiting, I’m praying for you, and if you’re a man, well I hope you’re not drowning in my overflowing sea of emotion and hormones.

Love and kisses,

one very lucky whale

Comments

  1. Amanda:

    Just yesterday I was griping to my hairdresser about all the crappy things that go on in pregnancy. I don't feel like I'm glowing, I don't remember what it feels like to feel normal or good, but at the same time I wouldn't trade feeling like this for anything. It really is amazing to be able to bear children and I feel so lucky that it has come (relatively) easy for me.

  2. liz canaan roberts:

    oh Alison, what a whale of a tale you do tell. i was gettin' a wee bit choked-up there myself. (alas, i am also pregnant; as of very recently. and the ole' hormones have kicked the girly emotions into hyper-drive).

    we truly are lucky ladies. and for the record, you are not merely a "cute pregnant lady", you're a Hot Baby Mama! <3

  3. ashley:

    I'm glad you shared this. Being pregnant and being a mom comes with a complex set of emotions that are hard to navigate and I bet many appreciate this.

    I actually feel like I am more emotional post-baby. I cried today because I spilled my friend's lunch after a somewhat disastrous kid's concert at the Hollywood Bowl. I'm not pregnant, I'm not sleep deprived… I think George's sweet/constant presence in my life makes me more emotional.

    I can't wait to hear about your experiences as a mother. I hope you post often- I always need inspiration and perspective.

    I read Glass Castle, btw and loved it. Thank you for recommending it.

  4. Jessica Dahlquist:

    Pregnancy is no walk in the park… but neither is motherhood. I think the ups and downs of pregnancy is meant to prepare us for the ups and downs of being a mom. Being a mom is simply the best, and I am so excited to see you with your lil lady. It'll change you forever (not that I don't already like you just the way you are:))

  5. Tim and Sara:

    XOXOXOXO

  6. Trent & Brooke:

    love this post ali. you are always darling and going to be one great mama! baby girl is a lucky one!

  7. Nichelle:

    you really are one lucky whale. it is the first time in your life when you feel so ugly and gross and you can still smile and SINCERELY say you don't even care because you know there's an amazing reason for it

  8. Christin:

    Alison, I blog stalk you for post's like this. I'm so glad that you see the beauty of your life. I think that each of us has something that someone else wants (I just want a husband for crying out loud) something that someone else has (I'm sure some people would love being single) and I believe that it is so important to see the good in every stage of life. Thank you for sharing this and for keeping your blog public for stalkers like myself. Kisses! (Sister) Christin (Buck) (I met you on Andrea's mission many years ago)

  9. Holley:

    all i can picture in my mind right now is how slammin you looked in your lady gaga getup on halloween.

    ps, can i just say i love how you say, "waddle"? thought i don't believe that you do, its just such a funny word. :)

  10. Jake and Jenna:

    perfection, ali. perfection. love you.

  11. naomi:

    I relate. xxxx keep your chin up

  12. jenny:

    great post. i love checking in to hear your take on pregnancy. can't wait to hear your thoughts on a newborn soon :) you will be a great mom, i am so excited for you!

  13. JenErik:

    I'm a MOM and I'm in Utah when can we get together? :) Like, really?

  14. Megan:

    You are the coolest pregnant girl I know…but really, let's get your baby girl here so she can come over and chill with her bff.

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