For about a year or so of my life I fell asleep almost every night crying and woke up almost every morning on the verge of tears.
Sometimes life can be hard. Sometimes life can be sad.
My heart is broken for a lot of people I love right now, not to mention the date and its significance, and I’ve been remembering what it was like to fall asleep on a wet pillow every night and to try to pass off puffy, swollen eyes, as nothing more than the latest trend.
I wasn’t totally suicidal, but I thought getting hit by a car didn’t sound too bad either. Back then I couldn’t think of one possible reason I should bother to get out of bed other than I might get hungry. I read a lot, and decided the only productive thing I could do with my time was expand my mind.
Still, I couldn’t fathom, with all the pain and all the suffering, how there could be a reason for life. For me or for any one. And I knew I had a charmed life. I thought about it a lot. I mean, a lot a lot. What was the point of philosophy, intellectual thought, science, anything…if there would still be wars and genocide, rape and just plain ill will?
Common questions for your post-adolescent. But it doesn’t matter if they’re common, or cliche, or anything like that if they are YOUR questions. Because it doesn’t change the fact you still want answers, need answers.
And then one day I had a full on epiphany. I’m pretty sure the clouds parted and everything.
The only way to combat hate, the only way to to make a difference of any kind, the only way I was going to make it from one day to the next was with love. Love was the key.
Love, the very thing that had brought me to my crippled state, was the only thing that would be able to build me back up. Not romantic love, that type of love is flawed, but pure selfless love. The type of love that causes concern for strangers, the type of love that makes us question what more we can do to help. It’s the only type of love to get out of bed for.
Maybe I should have paid closer attention to the Beatles, or maybe I was just behind the curve. But for whatever reason I hadn’t put this together before. I missed the boat. Yes, the love boat.
Ever since my epiphany I have tried to give, receive, and generate as much love as possible. Some days I’m better than other days. Some months I’m better than other months. But little by little, life got better and the nights filled with tears became fewer and farther between. I still get sad, I still get depressed, but I always know underneath, there’s a reason for the pain.
So, I don’t want to preach, I don’t want to be cheesy or sentimental. (Too late?) I just wanted to say, that if you’re sad, or if your heart is broken, or if maybe you’re wondering how you will ever make it from this day to the next, it gets better, and I love you. And should you need more than that, here’s my favorite quote:
“There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be.” Leon Bloy (French Novelist)
My heart has grown so much through my small trials and I have been able to experience a happiness and true love I never thought possible. I thank God every day for the places in my heart that now exist…even if they make me cry over touching commercials and Hallmark cards.
So there’s my soul do what you will.
Thanks for reading.
With all my heart,
Alison
Thank you very much for sharing this.
Alison, remember me, Shalynna, from our BYU ward (I can’t remember the ward name)? I am a reader of sheblogs sheblogs and I have never, ever commented because I didn’t want you to think I was creepy for reading your blog and most importantly, I didn’t want you to look at my stupid blog (don’t look, please!). But, I could not read this post without commenting. I loved everything you said so much I might just have to copy and paste it to my journal. David and I talk about you all the time. No one can forget Alison Faulkner, even if we aren’t in the same ward anymore. P.S. next time you see Erin Bowen tell her I love her.
Love you too Alison!
Alison, that was lovely, and sincere, so thank you for posting it.
allison…so sweet, and SO needed tonight! thanks
Yo yo Alison, it’s Becki Tew (now Wright). I found your blog via A. Bruf and have checked it a couple times before. I read it today and thought I’d let you know I loved the post.
Alison, I read your post a little bit ago and I keep thinking about it. You know, for me, that kind of reminder is needed! Thank you so much.
AWW, alison! we love you too!
Thanks Ali. I’ve thought sometimes about what things make me cry at the sentimental music-swelling parts of movies now, when I didn’t used to. That quote and your paragraph after are perfect. Love.
i love you.
hugs and kisses to you!
This is perfect. You wrote it on friday, but luckily I read it today, exactly when I needed it.
i think this was really good of you to share this. cause everyone of us has felt this pain, and for most of us it was just a short time ago. we all need more love and we all need to give more love. thank you for inspiring me to try more.
Ali. Just read this article and thought it was pretty fascinating. Science helped out this time! Not the full explanation of how/why we empathize and love with friends, family, and even strangers, but maybe a curious little tangent for this post of yours. Either way, love is real, thanks for writing about it.
http://www.odemagazine.com/doc/56/i%27m-feeling-your-pain-really/
Bravo Alison. Bravo. Your openness is… inspirational.
I was reading some Tennyson the other day and found this; I think you’ll like it, appreciate it, relate to it… especially since you’ve found the “meeting of the morrow”:
Half the night I waste in sighs,
Half in dreams I sorrow after
The delight of early skies;
In a wakeful dose I sorrow
For the hand, the lips, the eyes,
For the meeting of the morrow . . .
wow I just cried…guess I needed that little bloggy blog entry–hmmm I want to start a blog and call it: it’s a bloggy blog world and have snoop dog playing in the background. sweet.